Self-Compassion: A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself Dr. Kristen Neff, Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department, University of Texas at Austin (This is a condensed transcription of a 20-minute presentation given by Dr. Neff. A video of the presentation can be viewed on the home page of Dr. Neff’s Web site: self-compassion.org.) Self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth, a judgment—am I a good person or am I a bad person? For many years psychologists saw self-esteem as the ultimate marker of psychological health. Research shows that if you have low self-esteem you’re going to have all sorts of psychological problems. However, high self-esteem also can be problematic. The problem is not if you have it; it’s how you get it. In American culture, to have high self-esteem we have to feel special and above average. What’s the problem if all of us have to be above average at the same time? What happens is that we start playing these little games, finding ways to puff ourselves up and to put others down so we can feel better about ourselves in comparison. There is an epidemic of narcissism in this culture. A lot of psychologists believe this is because of the self-esteem movement in the schools. We also have an epidemic of bullying in our schools. Why do kids bully? Partly to build their own sense of self-esteem. Another problem with self-esteem is that it’s contingent on success. We only feel good about ourselves when we succeed in those domains of life that are important to us. What happens when we fail? We feel terrible about ourselves. Self-compassion offers a lot of benefits that self-esteem doesn’t. It is not a way of judging ourselves positively; it is a way of relating to ourselves kindly, of embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all. I define self-compassion as having three core components. The first is treating ourselves with kindness versus harsh self-judgment, treating ourselves like we would treat a good friend, with encouragement, understanding, empathy, patience, gentleness. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone we cared about; we say things to ourselves that we probably wouldn’t even say to someone we didn’t like very much. We are often our own worst enemies. With self-compassion we reverse that pattern and start treating ourselves like we treat our good friends. The second component of self-compassion is common humanity. Where self-esteem asks how we are different than others, self-compassion asks how we are the same as others. All of us are imperfect as people and our lives are imperfect. That is the shared human experience. Often what happens, though, when we notice something about ourselves—we haven’t reached our goal or we’re struggling in life—we feel as if something has gone wrong. This is abnormal, this shouldn’t be this way, I shouldn’t be failing to reach my goals. It’s that feeling of abnormality, of separation from others, that is so psychologically damaging. We make it so much worse by feeling we’re isolated in our suffering and our imperfection, when in fact that’s precisely what connects us to other people. The third component of self-compassion is mindfulness. Mindfulness means being with what is in the present moment. We need to be able to turn toward, acknowledge, validate, and accept the fact that we are suffering in order to give ourselves compassion. Oftentimes we aren’t aware of our own suffering, especially when that suffering comes from our own harsh self-criticism. We get so lost in the role of self-critic, so identified with the part of ourselves saying, “You are wrong, you should have done better,” that we don’t even notice the incredible pain we’re causing ourselves. If we don’t notice what we’re doing to ourselves with our harsh self-criticism, we can’t give ourselves the compassion we need. So why do we do it? There are many reasons we’re self-critical, but the number one reason is that we believe we need self-criticism to motivate ourselves, that if we are too kind to ourselves we will be self-indulgent and lazy, but actually research shows just the opposite. Self-criticism undermines our motivation. When we criticize ourselves, we are tapping into our body’s threat defense system. This system evolved so that if there was a threat to our physical person we would release adrenaline and cortisol to prepare for the fight or flight response. In modern times, typically the threat is not to our actual selves but to our self-concept. When we have a thought about ourselves that we don’t like, we feel threatened, and we attack the problem, meaning we attack ourselves. Self-criticism releases a lot of cortisol, so if you are a constant self-critic you will have constantly high levels of stress. Eventually your body will shut down and become depressed in order to deal with all the stress, and depression is not exactly the best motivational mind state. What’s unique about mammals is that they are born very immature, which means a system had to evolve in which the infant would want to stay close to the mother to stay safe. Our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we give ourselves compassion, we actually reduce our cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates, which are the feel-good hormones. When we feel safe and comforted, we are in the optimal mind state to do our best. Research shows unequivocally that self-compassion is very strongly related to mental well-being. It’s strongly related to less depression, less anxiety, less stress, less perfectionism. It’s equally strongly related to positive states, like happiness and life satifaction. It’s linked to greater motivation, taking greater self-responsibility, making healthier lifestyle choices, and having a greater sense of connectedness with others, better interpersonal relationships. Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. It’s associated with strong mental health, but it’s not associated with narcissism or constant social comparisons or ego-defensive aggression. It also provides a more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does, because it’s there for you when you fail. Just when self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable, not because you’ve reached some standard or you’ve judged yourself positively, but because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment. People sometimes think self-compassion is self-indulgent or selfish. It’s not. The more we are able to keep our hearts open to ourselves, the more we have available to give to others. (Test how self-compassionate you are: self-compassion.org/test-your-self-compassion-level.html)
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 08:46:58 +0000
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