September 3, 2014 Motherhood…. And Letting Go. I LOVE being a mom. It is really all I ever wanted to be. I know it is setting the teeth of all the feminists on edge every time I say that all I ever wanted to be was a wife & mom. Sure, I thought about maybe teaching or working as a librarian. There was even a brief flirt with being a stewardess (sorry, flight attendant), but then I realized I am not a big fan of flying. Apparently that is a BIG part of the job. Yet, it always came back to me wanting to just be a wife & mom. I wanted to find my prince charming and have a house full to the roof of children. You know how they say “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”? Yeah…. It took awhile. I kissed a lot of frogs, (A LOT of frogs. That sounds bad, but that’s a story for another day.) before I found my prince. He is everything I ever dreamed of. A few things I didn’t dream of too. Yet a house full to the roof of children was not to be. Instead there would be three miscarriages & only one child. This one child though? What a child. What an amazing, beautiful, wondrous, miracle of a child. I may not have a house full to the roof of children. Instead I have a house full to the roof of this child… Let me tell you about this child. My child. Noah Corey. Born October 18th, 2000 at 3:08 pm. Weighing in at 7lbs 13oz and 21 inches long, his birth brightened a rainy Wednesday when the world was mourning the deaths of 17 American soldiers killed when evil cowards attacked the USS Cole. I clearly remember watching the memorial on TV, with the sound off, as my husband & mom talked me through contractions that the devil’s medicine they call pitocin was causing. (That too is a whole other story. One I use to defend any mommy decisions questioned by said child) It was the second try of inducing labor. I was two weeks over due & Noah was VERY comfortable in his nice warm cocoon with his feet propped up on my ribs. It didn’t work. After 24 hours of labor with NO PAIN MEDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH, his heart rate dropped & the decision was made to deliver him quickly by cesarean. (It was the right decision as his cord was wrapped around his neck.) He peed on the doctor as soon as he entered the world. My first words when Ron held him down where I could see him were “Oh my God. He is beautiful.” My first thought though? I remember it clearly. “Oh my God. He is outside now. He isn’t all mine anymore.” Little did I know that part of being a mother is a lot of letting go, and it starts with giving birth. Motherhood is long journey of leading, teaching, giving your child wings & then having to let them go to fly on their own. The very first letting go is when we give birth. As miserable as my pregnancy was, (Yes. I said it. Pregnancy is not always all glowing & rainbows. “They” don’t tell you that, do they? The only glow I got was the sweat from throwing up everyday for 40 weeks & gestational diabetes), I loved being pregnant. It amazed me to no end. I had the body & soul of a new being growing inside me!! AND it turns out that there is a paradox of the sicker a woman is during pregnancy there is the very good chance of her child being in great health. Why? Because said child is literally sucking the life out of you! It was true for me. Noah’s APGAR scores were all nines!! I LOVED being pregnant. One of the reasons was because for that 10 months (yep) I had the new being all to myself. Once you give birth you have to share the little being that you grew & nurtured in your body, beneath your heart, with the rest of the world. It is the first letting go. It is the first time that you realize that having a child is to give up a piece of your soul & then watch as it slowly grows & leaves you behind. That is the first of many, many hundreds of letting go moments. Sometimes you don’t know it is a letting go moment. Like the first time I went somewhere without Noah. I took a part time job at night at the mall. Noah was home with his daddy. Ron was very capable of caring for our newborn son. In fact he taught me how to change a baby boy’s diaper so that said baby boy (and myself)did not end up just as wet as before the diaper change. Yet, that first night at work I must have called home 10 times in the 4 ½ hours I was gone. I look back now & realize that I was letting go of the belief that I would always be there. Sometimes the letting go is more literal. That moment when your child lets go of your hand & takes their first steps on their own. You are so proud. You taught them how to stand, to balance, to be brave & let go. Then they do. It is wonderful. It is a little bit heartbreaking. By teaching your child to walk, you have given them the power to leave you behind. My baby boy is now a 14 year old teenager. Today he started the 8th grade. Normally, that is not such a big deal. Kids start a new grade every year right? Well, for us, for Noah, it is a VERY big deal. Those of you who follow my posts know why. Some of you may not. (New reader? WELCOME!) Noah’s 7th grade year was not normal. He had an illness that we now know is an auto immune inflammatory disease. He missed all but maybe 30 days of school last year. With the help of friends, family, LOTS of doctors and an amazing team of teachers & school counselors; Noah was able to complete his 7th grade year one grade short of honor roll. From December 2012 when the symptoms of what would be a painful & long journey first showed up; until June 2014 when we finally saw some hope, Noah suffered debilitating pain, fatigue, insomnia and his energy & appetite declined. He lost all the weight he had struggled to put on. The child who’s laughter & voice filled my home became a sad wraith who didn‘t play. His Lego room sat quiet & unused for weeks at a time. He missed field trips, parties & the experiences that you only get when you are 13 and in 7th grade. It was a sad & lonely existence for someone who almost never stays silent. Letting go? Whoa Baby! I had to let go of control & let the doctors try to find the answers. I had to let go of the belief that I could fix it all. I had to watch my son let go of his belief that mommy & daddy had all the answers. We all had to let go of plans that Noah was just too tired to be part of. Then in June there was an appointment with a doctor in Boston. There I watched as my son let go of all he was holding in. I watched as he broke down and sobbed, telling the doctor how much his life had changed for the worse in the past 16 months. She came up with a plan. I had to let go of my reservations & trust her. By the end of June Noah had started his plan & new medication. Today, 8 weeks later, I had to let go again. Noah is so VERY much better. His pain is almost non-existent. His fatigue & insomnia much improved. His appetite is non-stop. He has put all his lost weight back on plus more. He is well enough to cut back on medication. He spent his summer running, playing, laughing. My son, my beautiful boy was back. I watch him now with cautious hope. I have had to let go of worry. I have to relearn how to let him do on his own. I know I need to work on my hovering. I have to talk myself through the need to hold him back. Trust that he is better, stronger, healing. This morning, with my heart in my throat, I had to let go. Let him go to school & be Noah. I had to let go of the fear, worry, helpless feeling. I had to let him go. Don’t get me wrong. It is a glorious, happy feeling to see & know that my son is getting better every single day. It is better than great that he is strong enough to even be going to school. It is wonderful to see & hear him grumble about summer vacation being over, school starting & he just wants to hang out at Meme’s. I am VERY happy about these things. Yet, I admit, I am sad too. As hard as it was to watch my child struggle, as long as he was here with me I had some control over the situation. I also admit, I liked that he needed me. He had even said to me one night as he crawled into my bed “You’re the only one who can make me feel better.” No, I don’t want my child sick & in pain. Yes, I am selfish in my wanting to be needed by my only child who is becoming more independent everyday. Everyday. Letting go. I have always said that if I could have a conversation with anyone, it would be Mary, the mother of Jesus. Talk about a letting go moment! I have always wanted to know. How did she do it? How did she let go of her child & watch (proud I am sure) as he lived his life & then died for the rest of the world. I am so NOT comparing myself to Mary the mother of God. (So, don’t email or text me about my pride. I have a lot of issues. Pride has never been one of them.) I am saying that if any mother ever had a reason to hold on, Mary did. Yet instead she let her child go, grow up, make choices & live a difficult life. I want to know how she did it. I love being a mother. I. Love. Being. A. Mother. I know with every fiber of my being that it is who I am supposed to be. Do I always get it right? **Cue rolling on the floor laughter** Do you know me?? No. I’m lucky if I get it right once a week. I don’t want to be perfect though. I just want to be someone my son knows he can always rely on. Someone who he can believe in & trust. Someone who loves him unconditionally. I want him to know that letting go can be painful even when necessary. I also want him to know that I’m the mom who, no matter how many times he lets go, I will always, ALWAYS be there when he comes back.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 16:54:23 +0000
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