Shadow Self III – Cave Whenever I learn something important in a journey (daily), then I scramble to learn more while I have the opportunity. I declare resolutely, “Okay! Now is my chance to ask questions. I should learn as much as I can!” I dive into a sort of pool of what I know and don’t know, try to pull in all other possibly relevant connections, lay out all of the bits and gaps, and then prioritize my questions – rapidly. My shadow self had just made himself known to me and then performed about an hour and a half of healing on me, loosening all of the layers that he’d carefully wrapped me in over these decades. I noted aloud, “It did not escape my notice that today is the eve of the one year anniversary of meeting my higher self, Hallow. That cannot be a coincidence. Happy birth-day to us! Then I mused, What is the anniversary of meeting your higher self called? Anniversary? How about Reuniversary!” I had the image of me and my dragon self and my shadow self all jumping up and down, so I took that as confirmation that it was definitely intentional timing, and something worthy of great celebration. Next I had to ask my shadow spirit more about what this healing meant, for me personally, and as an example for people in general. I did a brief review in my mind, so I could gather my thoughts and he could hear them as well. I actually do this type of dialogue in most of my journeys but don’t include it in my story afterwards. I said aloud in my mind, “In psychology I know that people talk about the shadow self, though I never learned anything about it really. What I believe is probably formed from media, popular culture and social beliefs that society has assimilated. I’ve done no book learning about it!” I wanted to be clear about that. My shadow spirit just grinned at me and nodded encouragingly, so I went on. “I think people refer to it as the ‘dark side’ of our own personality. I think they equate it with ‘evil’ – though my understanding of that duality has evolved a lot.” There were not words or time to explain that. I showed him in my mind how I feel about ‘good and evil’ now, and he smiled. I knew that he understood. I went on, “I think people believe that a shadow is something damaged that they must fix, and protect others from until they learn to control it. In other words, not just something to hide because they’re ashamed to show it, but something literally dangerous to others. I thought the shadows caused our emotions like greed and selfishness, and our thoughts and actions contrary to the greatest good like stealing and cheating.” My shadow self smiled kindly and asked me pointedly, “Who have your shadows been dangerous for? Who would fear them?” I knew that he was right! I just had to have that external validation, to be certain that I understood it ‘correctly’. It’s always hard for me to learn things that go against expectations or beliefs. In my preview on the Village Green and in the fast-forward review after the healing, he showed me that my shadows were ONLY dangerous to me. They were things I feared about myself, or feared others knowing about me – not things others would fear from me. They were feelings that I was inadequate or unworthy in various ways. In fact I suppose that people might steal or cheat to keep their shadows (perceived vulnerabilities) safely hidden, not because the shadows ‘made them do it’. The ‘what’ was clear enough to me now. I decided to ask about the ‘how’. I said, “I would have assumed that they were related to our karma, and came with us into this life. I thought they were instincts we were born with and weren’t even aware of, that drew us into conflict and trouble.” My shadow self showed me my own infant self laying naked on a blanket, gurgling, my hands and feet playing together. He merely waved his spirit hand over the apparition of me and smiled lovingly, the question in his eyes. I knew what he meant. Did I really believe that newborn babies arrived with shadows? They have karma, and I do karma work now, so I understand its multi-layered nature and complexity. No, I realized that we are born shadow-free. I said simply, “I understand.” I accumulated my shadows after birth, as fragments of my experiences here in this lifetime. They were not things that others should fear in me, but fears I came to hold of others seeing or knowing ‘me’. The shadows were things I’d come to believe were true, and felt ashamed of, so I tried to hide them so that other people wouldn’t ridicule and condemn me for them. They were just opinions, thoughts and ideas that might or might not even be true, but they became ‘sticky’ and attached to me. From my own experience, and from the life review he gave me, I know that I never even took out these shadow beliefs and shone any light on them. In other words I integrated them so that I didn’t remember where they originated, and didn’t think to question or challenge them. Instead I hid within them. In my dialogue with my shadow he illustrated this by showing me myself, hunched in a dark cave that seemed like solid rock, but then suddenly came apart, like its solid appearance was an illusion and it was really made of papier mâche. The layers separated so that light began shining through the paper strips everywhere. The cave coalesced into rock and I felt what was ‘before’ again. I was hunched in the dark and felt afraid because I hadn’t been outside in so long and it seemed hostile out there. I somehow knew that the feeling of wanting to hide increased the more shadows there were. In my mind he showed me the cave entrance as a tunnel that could elongate, like ‘tunnel vision’, with a future component to it. It was also like a living tentacle or antenna, a part of me that I would stretch out one way then retract, stretch out another way then retract, and I understood. The cave was like a home, a shell I lived in. As it became more important to suppress my shadows, I learned to project my experiences more and more into the future, to be on the lookout for times when I might be ‘exposed’. As I thought that, I realized – “Now I am exposed.” I paused to see if I felt like running and hiding in my cave again? I couldn’t tell, and so I shrugged and smiled at my shadow self and my own self both. I decided tentatively that being exposed isn’t as scary as I expected. It is sort of like being naked, but it feels rather freeing. (Hallow ~ January 21st, 2014) Find more stories at https://facebook/ChaosKrakens Graphic - Dark Tunnel, artist unknown
Posted on: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 10:36:07 +0000
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