Sleeping and hearing the door open, hands are grabbing at my feet and all of a sudden I am being pulled off the bed. My kids in my arms and I slide them out to not disturb them. I am then picked up and pulled by my hair to the hallway. Being told how awful I was and listening to a man in pure rage. I am standing against the wall after being forcefully placed there, hands go over my throat, my heart pounding and I can feel the anger sizzle on my body as I wake to find my kids coming out of the room. I am now being pulled by my hair to the living room and thrown on the couch. My two kids come sit beside me and watch the man walk back and forth for hours freaking out. As I watch, I try to explain, answer the questions being asked, it is not good enough, I told in many ways that I am an awful person. I watch as he cries, pleads, and then switch to pure rage and scream at me. When out of sight for a few minutes, I grab the phone and hide it in my underwear, sit back on the couch really fast and stick it into the couch. I wait, talk to my kids ask them if they are okay and tell them their father is really mad at me-that he will go to bed soon. We sit, three hours have passed, he has gone into the bathroom, I grab the phone, call my parents and tell them to come and get me. I hang up and put the phone back into the couch. He comes out looking for the phone, looks at me and then grabs the phone holder and smashes it, rips the cord out of the wall and uses a screw driver to take out the phone jack from the wall. I hear the van, my father pulls up, a knock at the door, he opens it and says what are you doing here. My daughter phoned, where is she, he walks in and tells me to get the kids ready, pack some clothes and we leave. As we are walking out, my mom, my kids, me and my father. The man crying saying what did I do, why are they leaving and my dad clocks him in the head and walks out. That was just the start and it became a reoccurring event on the weekends. Other times included a gun being pointed at me, a knife held against my stomach, being dragged around by my hair, hands on the throat, items being broken in my home, kitchen being destroyed, etc. The whole feeling through the process was scary, the first incident was numbing and then the reality that I was in an abusive relationship. It as hard to admit it happened, I was in shock and it took me days to regain my strength. I hid many incidents prior to this incident for many years, at first I thought it was innocent, then it escalated over time, it was nothing new, the only thing new was the physical part. These are just some thoughts I have been processing in the last few days, old anger coming back, wanting to kick ass and not be quiet anymore. I had to look at my own actions in this, to take responsibility for what I did, not saying I deserved it-not at all. Just what was my actions to push them over the edge prior to the incidents and that was my responsibility-at the time we were not faithful, he found out and took it out on me. Then I had to go back and look at his life teachings, where did he learn it, where did he see it and why did he do it. To be honest violence is a planned act, they know what they are doing because they have seen it, lived through it and know they can totally control a person with the actions. And it does work when the physical strength is not matched and there is extreme danger involved. I also put the pieces together that many times when the person came home it was to hide the fact they were out messing around in revenge and came home to cover it with extreme anger. I have figured out he never actually punched me, just bruised my body in places that can be hidden-arms, body and legs. He always knew I had my father and two brothers, so he was precise and knew how far he could cause damage. Little did he know the emotional damage is more powerful and life lasting...physical damage heals in days. It was a bleeped up time in my life, many, many years ago, and from time to time I need to talk about it, understand it, be blunt with self and tell it like it is...so I can move forward in life. I still send prayers and energy to self to my past when I go back and remember. I have to be blunt and tell it like it is to make sure I learn everything I need to know, feel and let it go...to move forward, to walk straight and walk alone. I have been very blunt and forward lately. I have even told a person off for being disrespectful to me, I am usually quiet and pray for them. This time, I didnt keep my mouth shut, I let them have it...I pray for the brother who had to hear my old hillbilly bully asshole personality...I just had to admit I was protecting my pride and was tired of taking shit and swearing from men. Sending prayers to all the sister and brother on mother earth surviving, healing and self empowering themselves from violence in the home
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 07:18:19 +0000
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