Slim envelop for the emir Satire Written by MAHMUD JEGA I did not like the idea when Maikahon Karo first suggested it, that we should go and greet the emir and congratulate him on the breaking of the Ramadan fast. As we sat that evening breaking our fast, Maikaho brought a piece of paper out of his pocket. On it I can see his increasingly familiar scrawl. When we were in primary school, we used to describe that kind of handwriting as a caterpillar’s tracks in the sand. When you write like that, our handwriting teacher will throw your notebook out of the window saying, “I cannot read this tafiyar tsutsa!” Several items were scribbled on Maikaho’s piece of paper. Apart from the Ramadan feeding program which we had already started, he said we should go to the palace to greet the emir, visit three leading malams in their homes and seek their prayers for our success in politics, arrange a grand Ramadan preaching session in my house which will end with a grand breaking of the fast, and then he had another item called “Sallah project.” Puffing at his cigarette all the while, Maikaho outlined what he had in mind. He said I should prepare to make a grand appearance at the Eid mosque on Sallah day. That my top aides and I should each wear a huge flowing gown with intricate embroidery called aska bakwai on Sallah day, together with tall red caps and colourful turbans. Also that we should procure 10 horses and ride them to the prayer ground; that horses will make for greater spectacle than cars. “People will know you have come,” he said. “You shouldn’t just enter the mosque silently and leave like a thief. God forbid! You must raise enough dust on that day!” Of all the items on his list, the one that troubled me was this visit to the emir. I said, “Maikaho, can’t we put off this visit until Sallah? We can then join other people at the palace to greet the emir that day. I don’t want to go to the palace now.” I did not tell Maikaho the reason for my apprehension. My brother-in-law Alhaji Goshi told me that when he was in politics, he used to accompany candidates to the palace, that the emir’s palace guards are insatiable, that they throw nasty barbs at you if you don’t yield to their demands, and that the emir himself is cold and arrogant. But Maikaho insisted that it is a very important thing for an aspirant to do, so we went to the palace one evening. I had with me Maikaho, Tsinin Kusa and five other friends that I mobilized for the purpose. My fears began to be realized right at the palace gate. We were made to park our cars outside the gate, and as we alighted, one man advanced and began to dance and clown in front of us. They said he is the Wawan Sarki, the official palace clown. He was saying, “Who are these people? The emir does not know them. They are smelling of Abuja. Maybe they lost their way. Look, if you are looking for the road to Abuja, this is not the way…” I was rattled, but Maikaho whispered to me that I should not mind what the man was saying, that I should bring out some money. I had several wads of mint naira notes in my pocket so I gave him a few, which he gave to Wawan Sarki. The man immediately changed his tune and began saying, “The emir welcomes you! You are true sons of the soil! You have come to your own father’s house! You have shown that you are children of promise!” Even after we passed that man, I kept bringing out mint notes and handing them to Maikaho as we progressed along the very long courtyard of the emir’s palace. A crowd of guards or courtiers will emerge from this side; another group will spring up from another side; and each group must be settled. Finally we reached a man that they said is the Sallama. He at first looked at his watch and said he thought the emir had already retired into his chambers. Maikaho quickly stepped forward, thrust a wad of notes into the man’s gown and said “Sallama, with you nothing is impossible. You are the padlock and also the key of this palace!” Sallama clutched at the notes and said, “Let me peep inside and see! Maybe those last visitors have delayed the emir and he is still in his chambers!” He disappeared for a minute and then came back running, saying “You are in luck! The emir is still in the chamber! Let’s go!” Many people were coming out of the chamber as we went in. Maikaho was leading us, and as soon as we entered, he dropped to his knees and pressed his forehead towards the floor as if in prayer. The rest of us followed suit, saying “Ran Sarki ya dade [May the emir live long]! Barka da shan ruwa!” The emir himself did not speak; he only raised his hand slightly to greet us while two men who stood behind him with local fans answered, “The emir greets you! You are welcome!” Maikaho then raised his head and said, “Our father the emir, your son Alhaji Sule is here to greet you. He is one of the top civil servants who did us proud in Abuja. With the blessing of your highness and with Allah’s permission, he is also our governor in 2015.” The courtiers then chorused, “May Allah fulfill good intentions!” At that point, the emir lowered the veil covering his mouth and said, “We heard about your intention. We also heard about the good things you sent to the palace just before Ramadan. You have our prayers for your ambition.” Maikahon Karo then jumped up and asked everyone around to leave so that I could greet the emir properly. Even the two guards dropped their fans and left. As they were leaving, Tsinin Kusa handed to me a small Ghana Must Go bag. That one contained only Arab perfumes, Egyptian dress and turban, Indian spices and two Rado watches. Then I pulled a slim envelop from my pocket, placed it on top of the bag and placed them by the side of the emir’s chair, saying “Your Highness! This is just to assist your untiring efforts at helping people!” This time the emir smiled broadly. He gingerly lifted the envelop and hid it under a prayer book. You know these days that slim envelops contain dollars; no one carries bulky naira envelops around anymore. When I took my leave, I heard the emir saying to the guards, “Take this bag inside and then escort Alhaji to his car.”
Posted on: Sat, 27 Jul 2013 22:33:04 +0000
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