Smuggler It is worth remembering that although we live ina somewhat urban environment, we are in fact surrounded by pasture of all descriptions. This land is populated by stalwart sons of the soil, in other words rich, affluent farmers. I know they are all rich and affluent because whenever I go into Alan Jackson’s shoe repair shop in the High Street there are always rows and rows of green wellies waiting to be soled and heeled! Now I have nothing against farmers you must understand, despite the organic foodstuffs they charge an arm and a leg for having turned out, by the latest scientific studies, to be no healthier than the steroid pumped meat and chemically sprayed vegetables we can actually afford to buy. But hey, whatever ploughs your furrow! The thing I am interested in is the new government incentive whereby farmers are actually paid not to produce anything. Only being picky but is incentive the right word for doing nothing? A friend of a friend of mine, who just happens to be in the farming business locally, was recently awarded £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing any pigs. This was something of a surprise to him you must understand because he has been rearing pigs for forty years and the most profit he ever made was £1,422 in 1968. That is until this year, when he received this bountiful cheque for not rearing any at all. Now, there is no doubt I am going into this business for myself and I have already invested in a couple of acres to this end but being a bit of a townie there are some questions that need to be answered. In your opinion what are the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies as dictated by the EU under the common agricultural policy. Do you think there is any advantage in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots? Or is it possible, as they are endangered species, there are already too many people not rearing them? As I see it the hardest part of this programme will be keeping a true and accurate record of just exactly how many pigs I haven’t reared. And there’s another thing, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all the harmful and polluting methane gases my non-reared pigs aren’t producing. There is also another thing to consider. These pigs I plan not to rear will obviously not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereal products. As the government is also paying farmers not to grow arable crops; will I also qualify for payments for not growing the cereals to not feed the pigs I have no intention of rearing? Then I started to think if this fabulous initiative could not be opened up to the broader commercial market. Could I open a bookshop, for example, and then get a government grant not to sell any books? Could banks get huge government handouts not to lend any money? – Oh, sorry, that’s already been done. Could car manufactures get massive infusions of public money not to build any cars? Oops, silly me again, that’s been done as well!
Posted on: Wed, 05 Jun 2013 17:43:41 +0000
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