So, Dear Doctor, After All These Years, What Really Was Wrong with Me? So doctor the patient finally said, weve been at such discussions forever.. where did we end up? I feel so much better now having freed myself from the endless guilt and agony over childhood and adolescent traumas, having come to terms with my honesties and dishonesties and madnesses and unresolveable contraditions and capiltulations to the Aggressor and having understood the role of history and society in my problems, not to speak of the possible combinations of somewhat defective brain chemistry-- though you did say that was debatable in my case., right?. and my own creativity or quirkiness and tendency to stress thought over actions to intellectualize or semi sublimate?. And yes you gave me over time and so generously so many tools and methods for problem solving and dealing with my intense maladjustments plus the miniscule hopes for real change and dynamic growth and transcendence of my local limitations in all senses. Freedom, doctor, you gave me my freedom!! After so many years and decades of semi conscious life . and I am not at all alone here. and so many deceive us so well with speeches and papers and propagandas and clever humor. though i have learned to have a thicker skin and a social sense, as you so wisely suggested and to thrive even in the darkest most awful and oppresssive environments knowing there was always someone there for to me to turn to. a shoulder to lean on, a source of steady love, a real human being there for me. all these years who cared and was willing to patiently listen to my FULL story.....but why, since i believe you know at this point more than me, did i feel so weak and passive and contemptible and jellyfishlike deep down, and easily manipulated or broken or hurt or tormented when so few people saw me that way ? And i was just blind to this Why was I such a nothing, a nobody, a conformist, a shadow, a grey and white smudge, hardly there in my own skin and live, so easily hurt or scared, so childishly terrified over absolutely nothing?? Doctor please! And now that I am gaining some respect and some small measure of hard won success and balance in my career and friendship and family and with a broader public and self expression and the love I thought i never had. and i am in touch with my most profound feelings and insights. my contradictions of all kinds my hatred my love, my forgiveness my revenge. all somehow in sync now though that is really odd? Why was i such a wimp????So terrified like a child? And you were always so mighty and strong and functional and brave and able to support enormous responsiblities upon your shoulders and to listen to stories which were however true and painful no doubt upsetting to you on your deepest levels and you carried on so heroically and empathetically and compassionately and courageously like such an absolutely perfect soldier, a true officer and a gentleman whom i admired above all others? At this point the psychiatrist, face as white as a sheet said between clenched and chattering teeth half screamed Because life IS frigging terrifying!!!!!! then jolted out of his padded chair in complete agitation and proceeded in plain view to jettison himself out of the for some reason wide open window of the 23rd floor of the midtown office building , landing on the ground all torn and twisted like a fallen scarecrow knocked over by wayward crows into the cornfields and with the audible sound of a crash and the subsequent horror amidst the pedestrians below and drivers, honking their horns madly and the police verifying that the body was indeed dead, a hopeless case..No more life. Ah well.. the patient said, looking out the window. eyes flooded with tears poor guy.. really got up on the wrong side of the bed today...Ill miss him forever Loved that dude more than anybody could know then muttered something I said? Ah, nyah. He always told me not to dwell on the past.. and proceeded to take the elevator downstairs in order to get some merely tolerable but much appreciated sushi at the ground floor cafeteria. before taking the subway home
Posted on: Thu, 05 Dec 2013 04:30:47 +0000
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