So, I am at Hy-Vee, walking down the card isle, and I reach the end of the isle. I meet this uppity looking pompous gentleman at the intersection at the end of the isle. Not only did he not do a courtesy pause and pretend to have to awkwardly take his right of way, but he didnt even acknowledge my existence while deliberately slowing his pace. This forced me to lumber along behind him until I was able to make my break to get to the checkout. To my HORROR, when the isle ended, he also turned toward the checkout continuing his intentionally monotonous pace, so I made to pass him on his left. Upon noticing this, HE SPED UP!!! This act of war spurred a furious fast walking foot race, of which I was winning. Once I got far enough ahead that he could no longer cut me off without making a scene and I knew that I had him. So I chose what i hoped to be the best checkout lane quickly and he chose his, and we waited. Tensions rising... blood boiling... CLOCK FREAKIN TICKING!!! For a glorious moment I thought I had the lead until the perfect change counting, price checking elderly woman in front of me somehow won a free 2-liter of Dr, Pepper (WHO FREAKING WINS A 2-LITER OF DR PEPPER!!!) which apparently takes ELEVEN MINUTES TO PROCESS!!! Anyways, so there I stand... watching my glorious lead dwindle away, until we were dead even and I was metaphorically wetting my pants with excitement and blinding desire to win this unspoken race of men. The blessed wonderful man in front of me only needed to buy a bag of chips, which i thought was weird but a God send nonetheless, and it was my turn. Debit card at the ready, PIN punching finger at the ready, FUEL SAVER BE DAMNED, I AM IN A RACE FOR MY LIFE!!! I snag the receipt and glance at the loser as I leave TRIUMPHANTLY before him and I dash to my vehicle laughing, drunk with power! As I back out I see him leaving the store, hunched in defeat, and our eyes meet. For a moment we just stare at one another, furiously, and then i laughed. I laughed and laughed, at him, and pointed and laughed, and drove away VICTORIOUS!!! Thank you for your time... Btw this is all true. Literally happened. Dont forget I won.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 04:02:55 +0000
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