So I was driving home from church today and the song playing wasnt really speaking to me. I have a CD I keep in my CD player and even though I USUALLY switch it to track 12 (thank you, Skillet Music), today I felt like I needed to hear track 9, which for some reason I was THINKING was Jamie-Grace. But when the song came on, I started to cry, because I didnt really realize how much I NEEDED to hear what was REALLY track 9 (Jamie-Grace was 7, btw...and I know that, but must have slipped my mind). Track 9 is He Said by Group 1 Crew. Let me back up a second. I know I try to be positive and always share uplifting or funny things (or just randomness about my life), but I dont always share my struggles with my Facebook family. Partially because I dont want to be a downer, but also because its hard being vulnerable sometimes. So most of you dont know that I have been struggling a lot lately. I have been feeling alone lately, feeling like I dont really know where my life is headed. I trust I made the right decision to quit my job, even if people who are close to me dont agree or maybe dont understand how I could take such a leap of faith. I know there is someone out there for me, but I am afraid I wont know it when I meet him and may miss having someone spectacular to share my life with, or maybe Ill be distracted by the wrong person and waste precious time.. I have been feeling very much in a place of TRUST, because things dont always look like sunshine and butterflies. I have been trying to have faith that things are headed in the right direction for me. And FAITH is the substance of things hoped for, but the evidence unseen (Hebrews 11:1). And right now, Im not seeing it. Not the way I pictured, at least. So today I have been feeling down because this week was hard. Some things I dealt with this week that you werent aware of: My ex-husband is now engaged to be married again for the third time. While I am okay with this, it has me questioning the 10 years I spent with him - was it real or was it just fabricated? Do I NOW know the real reason he walked away or is that just speculation still? I encountered a situation in which I was rejected by some people that I care about deeply, and I have no idea why. Im trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong to be ignored. I am hurt, but am more concerned that I have hurt others without realizing it, but feel helpless in fixing things. Having feelings for someone who seems to have them in return, but they arent clear...and I am not sure how to talk about it. I still struggle with my weight, feeling like Im doing everything right. I KNOW my hormonal imbalances have a huge part in this and until I can take care of that, this WILL be an uphill battle. I am waking up 8-10 times per night, which just makes life HARD. So yeah, its been a bit of a rough week for me. Enter track 9 - He Said. So your life feels like it dont make sense. And you think to yourself Im a good person. But why do these things keep happening? Why you gotta deal with them? You may be knocked down now but dont forget what He said, He said I wont give you more, more then you can take and I might let you bend, but I wont let you break and no, Ill never ever let you go Dont you forget what He said. When the music came on, a feeling of peace came rushing over me and my tears of fear & doubt started to flow. My struggles dont define my life, define me, or make me a failure. They are building my trust and faith, and reminding me of who God is and how I CAN trust Him. That while life wont be easy, Hes GOT ME. And that gives me comfort. I just wanted to share this with you because this time of year can be a time of peace, joy, hope and comfort. But it can be a time of loneliness, reflection and pain. But I want you to know that if you are reading this, you are someone I CARE about. And I want you to know youre not alone. There IS a plan for your life, your struggles, your pain. Its hard to see in the thick of things, but I KNOW this because through the last 2 years of loss, God has SHOWN UP. And Hes given me beauty for ashes in ways I never could have predicted. And I know HE is always there. Always. I dont like the struggles I face in this life, but I know that they are all part of my story. They are part of what makes me me. And with God by my side, I can weather any storm. And for that, Im grateful. I hope this encourages you today.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 19:29:08 +0000
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