So, Ive been doing some research regarding the car accident I had before I joined the Corps. Ive been concerned about my spine and my brain since then because during bootcamp I was temporarily paralyzed 2x from the waist down with excruciating pain in my back and no feeling or control of anything from the waist down. My mind Ive been concerned about since afterwards as well. I have had nearly manic mood changes on and off, bouts of depression and my memory has been shot since I smashed my skull into the windshield at nearly 100 MPH. What have I found out? Long term concussion research has recently discovered that concussions can have long term effects on memory, emotional states, attention span, and more things that completely make sense considering I used to be able to absorb everything going on in a class while reading my books and acing tests. Now, I dont remember 10 minutes ago a lot of the time. I also jammed my spine in the accident pretty roughly. I have pretty rough stage 2 osteoarthritis in my spine right now and theres soft tissue damage in my back. I am prone to having severe muscle spasms in the muscles in my low-middle back on the right side that can grow so severe they press on the spine and can cause paralysis. Im not looking for disability or any crap like that, but damn Id like to find a job that I can do that doesnt eat my back alive or a boss that doesnt just act like Im a complete dick because I cant remember something no matter how much I want to. Ive lost jobs and been treated like a liar since I was 18 years old for my memory problems and my back problems. I still hear too often today how Im a young strong fella and I should be able to ... whatever.... Some days I can barely stand up let alone get out of bed. Yes, my chest and arms and legs and stomach are fairly strong. My backs one big messed up pile of crap. Yes, Im smart. I can figure out most logic puzzles fairly well and Im articulate enough I suppose. But I cant remember a lot of things. Only things that have strong emotional impact or are heavily repetitive last most of the time in my long term. My short term is fairly sporadic. I dont crave patterns and ritual, I need them. Constant change makes me feel like Im losing grip on reality. If I dont do things every day, I tend to forget them for long periods of time or altogether. Just a little glimpse. I get tired of being told that Im capable of things that I just wish I could still do. It hurts to feel like a liar or someone who shirks hard work. The pain Ive pushed through in this life to get to where I am is pain that many people will never know. To feel that hole in your back twisting with flame and shrapnel, that cold tingle fading as your shaking legs fight to keep stepping forward, one after another, step after step for miles knowing that its your will power alone thats preventing you from collapsing. Not because youre strong. Not because you think theyll send you home, even. But because youre terrified theyll put you in a rehab platoon and force you to stay for months or even a year or more and then put you back to the start of training to do all of this over again. So, the next time someone thinks Im taking an easy route or that I could do better, please, shut up. Im doing the best I can and some days it feels like Im losing what ground I got left. Im just trying to make every minute I can count.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Nov 2014 09:02:39 +0000
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