So a few people have asked me if Im ok, and theyve made mention about how my Facebook posts or demeanor in person are just different somehow. I hadnt noticed these things personally, and I guess Ive been numb to some things going on in my life. In turn, I have kept it all inside and kept to myself. Ive just been pushing along, while not really moving forward at all. Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it all kind of came to a head Saturday night...because I got so drunk, that it all came out of me, and I became someone Im not. I was angry, and I took it out on some good people that are very dear to me. Some worse than others. So my attempt to fix myself, and get out of this rut Im in starts right now. I lost my job with RSG nearly 2 months ago. I was told it was because Id been with them 5 months, and they didnt feel my sales were where they needed to be. My district manager called the meeting, and he didnt even have the balls to show up to it, nor has he called or spoken to me yet. When it comes to the type of sales they expected, and the aggressive nature that their red bull logo represents, I dont think I was cut out for that. I dont force myself on people, or try to work friendship angles via guilt trips to get people to buy from me. I am who I am, Im smart about most every thing, and I genuinely care about people...even the ones Im supposed to sell. Whatever the purpose, I know that it wasnt the path for me, and ultimately that is why it didnt work out. I still find myself in a regular battle of who I am, and who I want to be....and how that affected my marriage, or subsequent relationships. I know I cant be who I am right now forever, but I dont believe Im ready to shut it all down and live a basic life. My mom always wrote to me...in books she kept when I was young, letters or cards along the way, and most recently in messages and emails...She inspired me to dream big, to reach for the stars, and to always believe in myself and the fact that there was nothing in this life I couldnt do. I have lived most every day of my life without boundaries, doing everything I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Im proud of that legacy. To never be afraid of anything is somewhat divine. I didnt realize that, until I realized just how many people settle in their lives. And they dont settle because theyre happy. They settle because theyre afraid to go for it in life, or theyre afraid of being alone without the comfort of their relationships. Ive had a lot of short flings in my lifetime. I had one recently with someone, and they touched me deeply in a way I didnt expect them to. Before I even had a chance to realize just what they meant to me, they were gone and there was nothing I could do to change that. Looking back now, I understand why. I still think of them every single day, but Im happy with that...as they are happy in their new life. Its just hard because I dont think either of us were the problem, and Ill probably wonder about that for the rest of my life on random days. Ive done a lot of great things in my life, and Ive lived experiences that most people will never be fortunate enough to live. I know I am blessed in that respect, and not a day goes by that I doubt that, or regret any of it. I can merely hope that at least one day in our short lives, each and every one of you gets a taste of that kind of experience. That kind of freedom. That kind of happiness. I can only hope that I have many more days like that ahead of me, because those are the moments when I am the truest form of myself...and I live and die for moments like that. A dear friend has been nagging the hell out of me for nearly a year, telling me that while Ive achieved a lot of things in my time here, that Ive only tapped the surface of my capability. That I can do so much more, if I just realize it and make certain changes in my life to get there. Hes one of the best friends I have right now, and I stumbled upon him by rare chance. He doesnt have facebook, much less understand what it even is and how to work it. He barely gets by with his old flip phone technology that I had back in the 1990s. Hes happy though, and he gets it. Whats funny about all of this is that Ive been wanting to get this new tattoo for 3-4 years now, but Ive kept telling myself that Im not ready to make the changes and become who and what I want/need to be for its symbolic purpose to have meaning to me. I think Im ready for that now. Im ready to set everything on fire, and rise out of the ashes and embers and new me. Im ready to shed my cocoon and fly. Im ready to turn the page and start the next great chapter of my life. That doesnt have a specific, or planned outline...because I dont do things that way. Its a spiritual rebirth of my soul, and my mental and physical beings should be representative of that me. Its a release of all the things that hold me back or weigh negatively on me. Its a time to cut ties with negative people. Its the time to make peace with myself and my demons, and start fresh. Its a time to fall in love with myself. So here goes nothing. Goodbye old me. We had a good run, but I cant be you anymore. PS: Do yourself a favor. Examine your life. Every aspect. If something doesnt fit, then find the courage to go for it. -h The Tattoo: 3.bp.blogspot/-zUtSMZMnit0/UPQssesy7NI/AAAAAAAAkkI/T7wk-tLWCHc/s1600/fire+phoenix+tattoo+3d+(5).jpg
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 05:03:16 +0000
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