So here is a little intense truth for the night... I dont bring this up to complain, I bring this up because I think part of real motivation is admitting to the truth of the struggle. Leaving the academy today was the first time in a long time, really the first time since this most recent commitment, that I wanted to just quit. Just tell professor I am not cut out for jiu jitsu, that I am sorry I let him down, but Im just not good enough. Im too old, to out of shape, heck maybe my body is just not built for the art I love so much. I dont know why it hit me so hard today, but it did. I dont know if it was seeing so many high level guys, or being in the presence of such true bjj greatness... But one more day, of getting my guard blown by, by every person in the room... Just made me want to quit. I mean I show up, rain or shine, class after class after class, and sometimes I even feel like Im starting to understand... But when it gets turned up, when it gets a little real, I still feel like Im waisting my time on my back. Like every white belt in the room can pass if they just really want to. Better than yesterday and a few seconds longer make for great Facebook posts, but the fierce competitor that lives in my heart still sees them as a shadow of a loss. Maybe I shouldnt, but I always care. The point of this post isnt to revel in my perceived shortcomings, or to complain about my disappointments, it is simpler than that... Its that today, deep inside, I wanted to quit Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I wanted to say, forget the diet... Forget the hours of training, the big dreams, all the beast mode stuff, because I am never going to be good enough. Not for me. Then I went home... And I looked at my team mates, pictures from kmaa and gb knox... Pictures of this family that Ive made for myself.... These brothers and sisters that are here with me in my darkest moments. My books and videos matches, and fights... I dont want to train to just be some mid level guy whos never really good enough, I dont want to put my heart and soul into that... But I cant imagine my life without that family. Without this passion. I dont want to know the regret of giving up on myself. Take home message, if you love something enough, you never give up, you never quit.. Keeping it real, its not always catch phrases and confidence. But it dont think light comes without darkness. I dont think triumph comes without standing on the precipice of defeat. So tomorrow, Ill dust myself off, pull guard again... And most likely watch it get passed... But Ill be one day closer to the day it wont. One day closer to being a REAL black belt, one day closer to that first mma fight... And if I quit, Ill never get there. So, right now, one day closer is ok with me.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Oct 2013 22:03:05 +0000
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