So im in the NHS waiting room and overhear two nurses saying that triage and treating patients is like a computer game...i didnt agree at first but then though about this idea and the benefits. The NHS guide to Medicine – as learned from computer games. The role of the modern Paramedic, nurse, or even HCP is fraught with danger and uncertainty as the NHS begins to fracture and change but new medical breakthroughs and treatments are being discovered each day...usually in dungeons. Treatment 1) Crouching: Urgent treatment to prevent bleeding and damage via a gunshot is essential, even if it is well documented that certain males are able to withstand multiple bullets to the chest, notably special forces guys while anthropologically males that are Arabic, Russian or Serbian separatists or members of the Third Reich are unusually prone to gunfire and seem to form that largest demographic of young men seeking medical aid. When a victim is admitted into A&E the duty Nurse should make sure they crouch behind a wall or burned out car and breathe heavily for 10-20 seconds. Following this the clinical lead should shine a torch in the eyes; if a red misty sheen is present then the Pt will require a bit longer. After this a notable improvement in their welfare should be noted and the client may soon be able to sprint out of the hospital. Treatment 2) Health Packs: Running down any corridor many medics or orderlies will notice Stimpacks and Medipacks appearing randomly, while the NHS has acknowledged these are a trip hazard, many HCP’s and RN’s have seen a short term improvement in the patients’ health after running over these. If Patients are suffering from AF or have any Cardio problems please refer for another form of treatments as running down corridors to collect medipacks is not in their best interest. It has been noted by several members of staff as well as the cleaners that Medipacks can sometime be found hidden behind false paintings, or in other more random locations such as vending machines. Nurses are advised to occasionally rip shitty motivational artwork off the wall and log any finds in the duty shift book. Treatment 3) Healers: For more intense wounds including head trauma, cardiac damage or demonic attacks the NHS may call in a specialist Paladin healer, while not fully tested by the European Medical Association: a paladins holy light has been known to completely restore a wounded client back to full health. However Paladins and HR have ongoing issues. Paladins will not use the interfaith rooms available to the NHS and required dedicated chapels, nor will they help those not blessed by the light. Paladins show a distinct ignorance for political correctness. Paladins should not be used in the paediatrics ward where their skills “laying of hands” and “divine touch” along with their strong association with the church can lead to complex legal complaints against the NHS. Treatment 4) Alchemy: Many paramedics carry state of the art equipment that was in no way brought from the cheapest bidder… One of these bits of kit is the humble pestle and mortar. The paramedic after establishing the patient is alive and responsive may then concoct a potion or salve from nearby materials and treat the patients on scene. Such recipes may include grinding three spider’s legs along with bark and a pinch of goblins ear to create a potion that heals a rupture spleen… If ingredients cannot be purchased from your local pharmacy or mystic enchanter look for nearby corpses; many bodies these days will contain not only a donor card but possibly a cheese wheel, several herbs and even ground up bones can be used as a remedy. Remember if you’re not sure on what should or should not be used either refer to either your trusts policy handbook or shove the whole lot in your mouth and see what happens. Treatment 5) Food: Has you Patient taken an arrow to the knee or been involved in a road traffic accident, after checking for bleeding and monitoring Sats and vitals, a trained paramedic should now make the patient quickly eat 18 potatoes or 3 venison leg’s and a bag of flour. Not only will this lower the Paramedics burden but it has been shown to heal serious wounds very quickly. If the paramedic has forgotten to fill her bags with two dozen cabbages or a boiled goats legs, then she or he should look around the accident site; most containers or barrels will have food in them! Bins for example are a great place to find the odd watermelon while an innocuous wooden barrel may have several bottles of vintage wine and a whole roast quail! Chests can be a bountiful boon to E.M.T’s and may contain not only a couple of salmon fillets and a box of radishes but even rusty daggers and old leather boots. A good find for any ambulance staff! So there we go... computer game medicine..better than science and stuff
Posted on: Tue, 18 Nov 2014 18:15:05 +0000
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