So this is a new feeling... I miss my kid! My parents took here early Saturday morning up to Portland to my brother and sister-in-laws place for the holiday. I am here because I get to work. I fly up Christmas Eve at 5:30. Erica has been away from me many times before either for fun things she is doing or because one of us cant stand looking at each other during other times. Shes never been gone from me for 3 nights and never 600 miles away. I have to say as much as it makes me nuts it also brings me peace to feel. Knowing that as I crashed after an all nighter wrapping gifts, painting crap, and packing my stuff to go up to Portland, my daughter was getting other and further away was really odd. It was a feeling of guilty but well deserved freedom but an odd feeling of missing. I hadnt felt this part before now. She is doing so well these days and weve turned a corner in her development and attachment as an age appropriate teen and in my development and attachment as the parent of a teen. My guidance or redirection is a lot simpler because she seeks my approval now instead of the opposite and where I once found satisfaction in the natural consequences she faced, I now find empathy and compassion. I know that missing her is so part of our cycle of anniversaries occurring this month. I made the conscious decision to learn more about her in effort to possibly parent her on 12/12/12. The Mayans noted this as the end of the world and everyone who felt let down needed to look at my house. For this homo, my world did end and a new one began. Christmas Eve marks the anniversary of the day I took custodial custody and was awarded educational rights. Talk about an awkward Christmas that year. She joined us in leopard print 6 stiletto heels, a mini shirt that did an amazing job at displaying all the parts she is relentless about tucking now, and had about 3 of lipstick that she just kept looking into her compact and applying every time she got nervous. I was so nervous I couldnt stop giggling and my poor family was like wait, what is going on? Lol. It was kind of like when people buy a house that is a fixer upper and they show it to people before you invest any time or love and they cant quite see the diamond in the rough you do. It was just like that but my fixer upper spoke a lot, with questionable and inappropriate vocabulary and often times a dialect that wasnt understood. Anyway, we also passed the anniversary of the day we were successful in terminating parental rights, which was December 2 and also filed our petition or adoption on December 3. She doesnt talk about all that often, but I feel it for her in the sad and scary ways and also feel it for us in the new, exciting, albeit unknown ways. She is an amazing person and one who very quietly has taken a chunk of my heart this year.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 19:07:34 +0000
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