So yesterday I said on twitter that I would be doing just a little piece on some stuff that’s been bothering me (quite a bit) lately just so that you guys can understand a bit more where I’m coming from when it comes to all the issues I addressed in my i’m trying video. I just want you guys to know how god damn frustrating it is, when you look awful in a video you post, and you spend 6 days building back your confidence by only looking in a mirror, and then when Monday comes around and when you see yourself on camera, it ruins everything you’ve tried to achieve. It’s no secret that I have massive self confidence issues, and when I start to feel a bit better about myself it just really really sucks that it gets smashed every single week. I don’t know if it’s the camera angle, or overly aggressive lighting, or really what it is at all, but for some reason I feel like a different person behind a screen. I can do my hair really really well one day, and cleanse and wipe off my skin and basically be looking as flawless as I possibly can, and when I get infront of the camera, I’m just as shiny looking and tuft-haired as usual. It’s just so frustrating when you try so hard and you know you’re destined to fail. I know you guys dismiss or don’t even notice a lot of the things I’m talking about, but the thing is, when I look in the mirror, I feel like I have so much more to offer. I know it’s not super important to be attractive or even especially personable on camera (because most understand that personalities on and off camera differ greatly), but it’s just sickening to me that I’m not putting out 100% the best version of myself available. Maybe it’s just overbearing perfectionism, but I want you guys to see and hear the same boy that I see and hear in real life. Right now I’m on acne prescriptions, exercising and getting outside a good amount (pretty much solely to acquire a tan), probably overly obsessively monitoring my eating (and honestly not eating as much as I should), all for the purpose of being as attractive as possible on camera. There were times that I would go several days without eating. It’s gotten better since then, but I’m still not even getting half my recommended calories on most days. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and considering I was exceptionally naturally skinny beforehand, I really have no clue what weight I even had to lose. Pants that were once tight now fall to the ground and don’t even graze my hips on the way down. It’s ridiculous to have an eating disorder and basically spend every waking hour stressing over which acne-combatting plans will be most effective and all that shit. I shouldn’t care this much, but I do. And it’s a mental predisposition of mine to worry, worry and worry. I wish I could stop, but I just can’t. Right now I don’t know what to do. YouTube is clearly having some pretty detrimental effects on my mental and, by extension, physical health. I’m almost at my 1 year so I’m definitely sticking around that long, and I definitely don’t wanna leave permanently (if I even leave at all), but I just want you guys to be ready if I take a short break to reevaluate some things and get my priorities straight. YouTube should be a source of joy and fun for viewers and creators alike, not something a creator should dread having to contribute to because they don’t want to watch their own face every week. I hope you guys will be mature about all this and understand that any choice I make is for my own health and well-being, and not a result of laziness or a lack of care for all of you. -H
Posted on: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 19:49:27 +0000
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