Sometimes my head just spins. I think about life in the sacrifices Ive made for my family. Sometimes it feels worth it and sometimes I feel worthless. I think about my career. How some days I feel like Im doing enough to make a difference and other days, it would be no different if I was never there. I think about myself. Some days I feel beautiful, other days I feel I could break every mirror I own so Id never have to see my face again. I could defiantly be doing more for my health wellness and over all as a person. To look, feel and be better. For me, to my daughter and for my family. A lot of people have different theories why people have these thoughts..... Is it that your ego getting in the way of your happiness? Do you have low self-esteem? What do you measure your self worth? Maybe youre setting the bar too high? Regardless of the psychology around it, all in all, at the end of the day , Im harder on myself than anyone else could be. I wish I could stop it. Like there was some magic pill that stopped my brain from thinking these things. Ive tried to think about how much happier I would be if these thoughts just disappeared. Some days they do and some days Im consumed by them. Im fortunate to be surrounded by people who tell me Im helpful to their lives or Ive inspired them to make positive changes to better themselves. Its so great to know that Im able to be that person for everybody. Why cant I just be that person for myself? Its like at the end of the day I have nothing left to give to me. I feel stuck in the cycle of giving everything to everyone and not enough to myself. I dont know the answer. I dont know how to pull myself out. I dont need applause for what I do in a day. Its all Ive ever known, to go to work come home and take care of my family. I just need something though. Something to help me feel like me again. So Im putting it out there to the universe.....please ......please help me find my happy again. Something thats just for me that no one else can take away. That something is my horses. All the angst, pain, frustration and uncertainty melts away as soon as that fur hits my face. If you have something that is a force that strong, that can pull you out of the darkest of times, HOLD ONTO IT and never ever let it go.
Posted on: Sun, 16 Nov 2014 00:38:05 +0000