Sorry for not posting yesterday ..., it was a cold, contemplative day in which I visited two churches and one theater. I didnt feel happy, tried to muster some optimism, but couldnt even find an inner smile until I crawled in and went to sleep. Just dismal about the future and doubting my own longevity, or even my desire for more time on this rock pile... However..., though weeping endures through the night, Joy comes in the morning (Isaiah) Today was a gleaming beauty of a day here on Long Island. Blue sky, nice temp, sun sparkling on the water like gemstones, boats gently swaying in the harbor undercurrent... As I took Johnny out for his play time. We came through a hilly meadow behind an old estate, that is now a lush dog run. The tall grass is about 15 feet high, lining the path like a waving crowd, cheering us along the dreamy descent, en adventurous, timeless route to the mystery cove at waterside, where we sat on a dock, and I prayed. I thanked The Lord for granting me all that He has given me: at that moment, over these years in Him, and over a lifetime. There was so much to thank Him for, even the tender family of swans that were preening each other nearby. But I also had regrets for the things I never got to do, things I loved and lost, dreams still unfulfilled, prayers and promises awaiting answers.... And I wondered if I had disappointed Him, so I apologized, fearing that somehow my eternity in heaven would reflect how short I came up in my Earthly efforts. This frightens me, just how much did I fail? And what will that mean when I face Him? Then we took a ride where there is a new house for sale Id like to buy. Yes, Id need to win the lottery to do so, ha. It does have a water view, perhaps 150-200 feet in the distance through some brush. My dreams are just so persistent... It was while standing on the raised back bluestone patio that a healing and freeing insight came to me, in the open air, in the late afternoon amber sun. And that is: the reason Ive been feeling so bad is because I am out of Biblical order in an area of my life. Ive been shackled to men, feeling I have to turn them around from the wicked ways, from their ignorance, from their rebellion and lovelessness. This was killing me. And it is not my job, nor even blessed of the Lord, to do so. Today I finally realized that what I need is to start a ministry to specific women, elegant, straight, feminine women who have given their hearts and lives to service in Christ and are no longer man-hungry, or feeling incomplete without one. This would be a group by invitation only, because it would need to be very pure, supportive, non-competitive nor predatory. And all the women would need to love animals and nature and have the desire to reach other women of like heart and mind. And it is most often these same women who are treated like they are worthless in Churches and elsewhere. Ive always loved men and have neglected women because I am a hetero romantic. I have a couple women friends I hang with, but none are the kind I mentioned. When I imagined this ministry, I became very happy. That is what is missing from my life, and that is the proper Biblical direction for my efforts. Of course, it makes perfect sense, as God always does, when we give Him due obedience. Of course I will still have male friends and business associates, but its just a restored view of how I should approach this aspect of my life and work. What a relief, and even if God does take me home soon, at least the pain I was carrying has departed, and my focus has been clarified. Peace has come. Its simply this, the feminine essence is crushed and/or corrupted by men, and it can only survive in a healthy family environ, or a respectful workplace. Otherwise it will be destroyed. Thats the part of me I felt was dying. The predatory, war faring, competitive, antagonistic forces all around me were killing me. So it seemed easier just to die, then to keep fighting a buttressing wall as I was weakening. Men and women are different animals, like Mars and Venus, as that Book says. Thank you, Father God, for enlightening your servant and granting me hope, for however longer. May I live and please you.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Nov 2014 23:47:47 +0000