Sorry this is so long, but I felt I need to say it. It is not widely know, as I do not advertise the fact, but I frequently deal with depression. I have seen counselors, and Dr.s and spent time with Pastors in talks. I have because of a family history of drug dependency, chosen not to use medications, though they have been recommended. I would love to say that it is easy to control, and that I can tell you exactly what triggers it, but I cannot. Sometimes it is as simple as seeing a dead butterfly with a torn wing, while other times it is a grand or horrific event. It typically starts with a sadness and grows to overwhelming and consumes every part of who I am. My body, heart, and mind hurt, and eventually I begin to hurt spiritually. I can remember having the feelings as early as 7 or 8, the feeling that I was worthless and did everything wrong, and unfortunately those feelings were driven by someone who should have been an advocate. As I grew and I did something “wrong” I would often internalize it. If I got hurt, even as an accident I felt an overwhelming guilt. I felt as though everyone would be better without me. I often contemplated running away to keep everyone from having to deal with me. God knew I needed it so He gave me great parents, and great Grandparents who showed me love even on my worst days. As I grew older so did my troubles. I was a difficult child, so when something was done at school, it was automatically assumed I did it or was involved, but I wasnt, and it made me angry. To be a child and spend most of your time on the wall at recess, or in the office in Middle school, Jr. High, High School, caused the anger to grow, and that anger unchecked always lead to depression. The absolute feeling of worthlessness, that no good can come out of you, from you, or through you. That the world is a better place without you. When you are gone no one will notice, and no one will care. In fact it will be easier for them. This is in stark contrast to the Message that God gives us, and the story from Genesis through Revelation. God Loves us, and over and over and over makes a way to bring us back to him, to route us to him. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. But what happens when you dont feel that way. Grace is not for you, Love is not for you , and God is not for you. You have no value or use. You hit the bottom and you begin to feel it is not worth trying to get up. You look at a rope as a way out, but it may not be strong enough then you will just burden them more when you are a vegetable. A gun is too messy, so is a knife, or razor. If you use the car then no one will be able to drive it anymore. You took so much medicine as a child that you have such a high tolerance that overdose is near impossible. You abandon hope because you are so worthless that you cannot even get rid of yourself. May 2000 I was the lowest I have ever been. No one seemed to notice the 20 or so pounds I had lost the Girl I had planned to marry did not want me, I had a dead end job, that I hated, nothing had ever been more wrong with life. In my mind I had decided that as much as I wanted to believe in God, he couldnt exist and it would not be wrong to die. I sat in silence staring at the wall, ready to be done with life, when I heard Crying. It was not me, and no one else was home. It was Jesus, he was with me in that room and I heard him crying for me. I had spent so much time speaking to God, and telling him he was not there, and could not be real, I never took the time to listen. After I dismissed him, and rejected him, turned away from him, he chose to weep for me, just as he did Lazarus. And just like Lazarus he told me to come forth. That was the day that I decided that I could not, and would not let depression win. I would no longer let it bully me. Yes, I have struggled with depression since and it visits me frequently. When I get depressed as much as I hate it, I surround myself with people, I do my best to serve others, I engage in the world around me even though I know it hurts. By serving others I see that my life could be worse. When I am surrounded by others, I get to glean encouragement from the good in their lives. I get involved, the more I do for others, and time I spend with them, the less I have time to devote to my sadness. I have to Let it Go. Part of my recovery from my deep depression was 4 years of heavy counseling. As often as 3 times a week I drug myself to the office and sate with my counselor and we went all the way back to that person that told me I was worthless, and all the way to the things that happened that day. Let God have it and go have fun. Anger was killing me and kept me from Grace. Because I had such low self worth, and esteem I felt I did not deserve grace, that I literally had to earn the Love of God and others around me. It was in my Doctrine of Holiness class that it all clicked. No one deserves Grace, that is what makes it Grace. It is God giving us a gift we could never earn, or deserve. No matter what I do I cannot un-earn it, no matter how far I run, it is still there. Learning to accept that Grace, saved my life. I am struggling with how to express how I feel about Robin Williams death. I have heard it called selfish, but if he was doing it for others to save them grief, in his heart and mind it was not. Then there are those who say he is in a better place, and that very statement may be what someone needs to justify making the same decision. So I look at it from the only view I have and that is my life experience. I will stand before God one day, and he will judge me. He has extended me his mercy and offered his grace. Robin Williams has been offered the same and will stand before God too. I have Sinned, Robin Williams has sinned. I have no more claim to the throne than he, and he no more than me. So instead of casting judgment, I stop and say a prayer. God I pray that Robin Williams has accepted your Son Jesus Christ into his heart, and is your Child, and is standing in your presence today. I encourage anyone that is depressed, feeling like suicide is an option to seek help. Go to your pastor, go to a friend, go to your family, and Seek help, seek God. I am lucky that I had a faith background, that when I hit the bottom, I knew in my heart the answer. Others may not be. If you have a friend or loved on that you think may be depressed talk to them. It may show them they matter and be what they need to decide to keep trying. Never Give up, never surrender. Love Friend always Love. We all know Love never fails.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 05:21:17 +0000
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