.......... StOlEn ................... Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. Psychiatrist: Ill deal with you later. Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me. Psychiatrist: Next please! Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby. Daughter: What will she do with her old one? Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didnt you pray for Uncle John too? Daughter: I didnt want to ask for too much. Parent: Id like a day without punishing you. Little Mishief: You have my full permission! Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week. Captain: My, werent you afraid that youd fall off? Student: Could I get in trouble if I didnt do something? Teacher: Well, I dont suppose so. Student: In that case, I didnt do my homework. Jim: Whats white, steep, and has ears? Tara: I dont know. Jim: A snow-covered mountain. Tara: What about the ears? Jim: Havent you ever heard of mountaineers? Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose? Camper: I bent down to smell a brose. Camp Counselor: There isnt a B in rose. Camper: There was in this one! Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary if I dont know how to spell the word in the first place? Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You dont need to heat hot water! Polly: Why are you eating nickels? Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me. Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I cant remember anything. Doctor: How long have you had this problem? Patient: What problem? Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator? Mike: I sure didnt! Whats it like? Ben: It has no steps! Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning. Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it? Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain. Teacher: Joey, please use the word wagon in a sentence. Joey: Ok, If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on. Teacher: Charles, please use discount in a sentence. Charles: Yes, maam. Does discount as a sentence? Teacher: Duff, please use the word window in a sentence. Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: I entered a contest but didnt window. Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean? Pupil: Before Calculators. Jake: I got an anonymous letter. John: From whom? Lenny: May I hold your hand? Jenny: No, it is not that heavy. Don: I didnt know our school was haunted. Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out? Don: Everybodys been talking about our school spirit. Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity? Trent: How tall are you? Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesnt go near them! Clerk: Well, isnt that good for mice? Customer: Hi. Im looking for a good buy. Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye. Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand? Joel: My left hand. Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil! Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up? Jill: No, howd you know? Jack: It is all over town! Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands? Sam: No, hotdogs dont have hands! Joe: I was built backwards. Mary: How? Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell! Mad Professor: I have made a new invention! Student: What does it do? Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls! Student: What is it called? Mad Professor: Its called a window! Bobby: Ive owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck. Prospective buyer: You mean youve owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car. Mary: Did you know theyre not making pencils any longer? Sue: Wow! Why not? Mary: Theyre already long enough! Michael: I was on tv today. Jeremy: Youre kidding! How long were you on? Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off. Sarah: Why were you late for your plane? Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets. Sarah: But you were 2 hours late! Jan: I have an ant farm! George: Look, I just found a lost baseball. Louis: How do you know its lost? George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it! Mom: What are you doing? Bob: Washing myself, of course. Mom: Without soap and water? Bob: Havent you ever heard of dry cleaning. Teacher: Say, you cant sleep in my class. Student: I could if you didnt talk so loud. Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly? Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.
Posted on: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 19:33:51 +0000
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