Started beading last night... Its a different feeling than sewing n designing... Im not so good at beading lol... I also thought lots too, about how I am. Towards ppl, towards situations... Towards opposition. Improvement is in order... These beads will help me I think I will say that self evaluation sucks lol...U cant do shit about how others treat u or talk to u... All u can do is be strong, solid, good in how you are ... Today was granted to me... So am obliged to do my best by that gift... So why do I worry, when I do my best? The thought came to me and it was.... Is it bcoz I have little faith? That maybe the worry isnt worry but instead it is hurt? And sometimes being solid u think u cant express that hurt so u vent... And u rant... And u make your own self miserable by not looking after you, by not expressing, by being afraid of showing weakness.... Bcoz this work threw me in a shark tank and Im wounded... They circle n take big chunks sometimes.... Look after yourselves somehow. When you know too much you can become bitter... Eccentric...solitary...Angry... Dangerous... Sat here a long while next to my girl who is sleeping and I watched her. Her innocence, yet she knows a lot....her peers used to make her sad...a weird kid, a nerdy kid... she often doesnt play with toys, but sometimes she still does bcoz shes a kid who wants companionship so when in Rome.........I see her still curious about life, still smiling happily, still dancing, still playful.... She learns and picks up complex concepts and can differentiate when its clear to her, or she needs help assessing,... Thats where I realized I am going wrong... I dont ask for help like she does Despite my growth, development, knowledge lol... Im still a dumb azz .... Hahaha I still get chilled out by rejection... That tells me I have a problem in letting go.....I always have..and that I am afraid.....Im like a loon lol...I stick with one til death do us part....now shift that from having a mate, to having an idea, life work, loved ones, a way of feeling and thinking.... Yeah a creature of habit....one that has barricaded herself into a place where rejection pain is kept at a minimum...tada!! Im oldish but still tryna do things my way...Im gna surrender AGAIN coz its just too distracting and my imagination is too wild lol Gna stop being in my head so much n start being in my spirit n seeing what I can with those eyes.....i miss it there There is a place not far from here...where I think an impact could be made... weigh what my gut says against or with what my head says...and go sit in that place, on that land just to see what comes up.... But first, today Im gna go be playful with my girl....shes waiting for her mom, the real nina, to come back...
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 19:01:01 +0000
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