Startled awake minutes shy of 3am by the sound of my own voice asking for the light to be turned on. Sitting up for a few seconds, years prior returning, hallway light providing just enough glow for my eyes to focus on the gold tips of my white socks. Heart slamming against my ribs, my lungs, rabid animal caged, it snarls a reminder of the nightmare I could have gone without recalling. Breathe. Just breathe. You are safe. Exhaling disappointment, I walk to the switch, flood the room with the glare of two offensive bulbs, aware that the phobia I thought I had kicked was awakened within the walls of the terror I could not escape while resting. I am repulsed by my need for sleep on nights when better served by the protective distance my alert self provides. If walls could talk, mine would console me. Self-cursing might ensue if I werent busy whispering reassurances to myself. You are safe. You are safe. Safe. Safe. Listen to the house, to the locks on doors not turning, to the windows not breaking. Listen to your breathing, to the light above which sounds like release. I stand, walk nine steps to the kitchen, take four deep breaths, start a pot of tea, feel the heat from the fire. Lost in thought, it boils over/ I turn off the flame and breathe.
Posted on: Wed, 02 Apr 2014 21:07:40 +0000
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