Sunday, June 16, 2013 Here is where I shall write without hindrance. I feel lonely. I have one very close friend, Josh, and that’s it. Vern is also a really good friend, but he’s a hard worker and is often very busy. They are excluded from this next admission. I wish I had more close friends to talk to. I wish I had someone to randomly go hang out with on Friday nights, spontaneously. I need someone to talk to about stuff, the things on my mind, the internal rusings. I have a fear that my life will go the route of getting a generic family-wage job, working my whole life doing things which have no meaning, and getting to the end, and wondering what it was all for. I feel pressure to fit the mold of capitalistic society, to fit into the system, and play the unexciting role of salesman, white-shirt desk jockey, or essentially any other ‘job’ in some uninteresting ‘industry’ where I will learn about such things as nuts and bolts or human resources outsourcing solutions, becoming an expert in meaninglessness, and sterilizing my soul, piece by piece. I see no adventures in this world I’ve described, no grand story unfolding, no beauty, no love, no artistic merit, no theatre, no fulfillment. I keep resisting. This is not a life I choose to live, but I wonder if mine is going to go anywhere. I suppose if this unmoving dedication to something better is truly like a rock, then eventually it will either blossom, or I will end up with nothing. But I think I’d rather have absolutely nothing material and inner fulfillment than the opposite. I don’t know exactly where I ‘m going with this particular ramble. I usually am pretty optimistic. There are times when I will see a performance or experience someone’s creativity and be deeply, deeply reminded and inspired in what is a much more beautiful and unique ‘calling’ than what the Structure I see hands to me. I feel the call. I believe that can be called, “dancing to the beat of a different drum.” Back to before, I often feel lonely. I wish I had a close friend to talk through all this stuff. I wish I had a girl to talk to my age, about deeper things, someone who wants to do things I want to do, who is dedicated and inspired and motivated by that same Call. I have made many more friends, some who have been more than very kind and friendly to me, but I still don’t feel like I have that close kind of friend. The few people that hear me say that I’ve never had a girlfriend, ever, are shocked. It’s not even that I want some surface-level girl to hang out with and feel feelings over for a short while, I’d rather have the friendship I mentioned, the camaraderie of performing and creating artists on a fun-filled, dangerous and unpredictable path, in it together and understanding each other’s heart-longings. I’ve noticed so much that it is who a person is that is who they want to be loved for. And often, every few days, maybe more, I think, well maybe I can find one of these people, or maybe there’s someone I need to reconnect with. And I look through my phone contacts, and I look through my Facebook list, and I get more lonely. And then I think, well, maybe I should go find something to do or meet some more people. But I’ve already done that, I’ve made so many friends taking steps out and doing things, especially at the dance center! But still no ‘close’ friends, the ones who would want to stay out really late driving and talking about God, and going on some adventures or something like that. Someone who does what I do, dancing and music and creating. Why is life like this. When does it get better. I have so much that I love in it, and so much enjoyment, but I want more. I need more. I’d really like to thank the Moreau family, especially Annalise and Michaela, for being so nice to me and encouraging me in my faith. You are all true friends; the things I’ve previously said about not having close friends are not completely true because of your friendship. Just inviting me to come to mass and being so nice made a big difference. None of you ever told me I had to believe anything or that I was wrong, you never even tried to discuss theological questions unless I specifically asked. You just let God do what he’s doing and continues to do, and He is definitely changing me and showing me the truth, so thank you, so much, for being a family in Christ to me. And speaking of families, I noticed all of the Father’s Day pictures, fun, and notes people were posting, and it made me think about my dad. I’m not sure if it made me sad, but I never thought as a kid I wouldn’t have much of a reason to celebrate Father’s Day. I called him today and wished him Happy Father’s Day, and we talked for a bit. Matt said he’s doing better, it sounds like it. But it’ll never be a close relationship like the one’s people have with their dad’s who were there all their lives. It kind of made me sad when I thought about how I couldn’t figure out why we were getting all this mail about buying tools and barbequeing. I didn’t even think that it was for Father’s Day, because it’s just not much on my radar. I thought that writing all this would maybe make me feel better, like a sort of soul detox, but I’m just feeling more melancholy. I do get satisfaction from honesty, though, especially when I’m being honest in formats that people don’t encourage. I see and love the beauty of God’s world, but I just want more. And I want to have one of those kinds of friends. It doesn’t make me feel comforted knowing there will be a barrage of comments about how, “You can talk to me any time, man.” No thanks, I don’t need insincerity. No, I mean I wish I found one of those people that UNDERSTANDS, I don’t think I’ve found that person yet. I just pray that God brings them into my life. Facebook is the face of Insincerity, but I’m glad to dance to those drums I hear and be the heretic in regards to Facebook culture.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Jun 2013 05:39:00 +0000
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