Super Long Sad and Personal (Read at your own risk) Hi, I havent decided whether or not this will be a long or short post yet but I really need to vent. I was going to save this until Feb. 5th...but I cant, I am what you would call emotional in the head. For anyone that knows me personally they know that this is probably the worst month to interact or anger me. I lost my older sister Cortnee, Feb. 5th, 2005. I still havent gotten over it, its been a long time...but it still hurts like it happened yesterday. After it happened I attempted suicide again for the second time and I ended up in the hospital with that attempt, when I woke up dazed and confused, I became angry. So angry I took all my anger out on so many people, so much that I ended up hurting others. I couldnt recognize myself anymore and either could my family...so I got put into therapy. To this day even with all my therapy and medication...I still have that anger, I dont know if the anger is from me still being here alive, or the fact that I was angry at God for not letting me die. Its something I cannot explain to anyone. I have friends that tell me every year that February should be my favorite month because thats when God decided I should be born, that I should be put on this earth to have a life. But, the thing is...I hate my birthday, I have never liked getting things on it, it just means I get another year older and I look at my life and realize Im still a worthless going no where hunk of trash. But I didnt start thinking this way until after my sister died...because my birthday just happens to be on the 23rd of Feb...but hers was the 24th, so we would go get ice cream and celebrate it together. I miss those so much..I missed them so much that I finally wanted to start opening up on my birthday again with certain people, but last year it blew up in my face because I became selfish and stupid. I hurt someone really close to me bad...on my birthday none the less. So I look back on that now and I just realize that I shouldnt have done that...I shouldnt have been stupid. I shouldve just stayed at home and slept and kept myself hidden away from people. I get people all the time that tell me how great of a person I am, how Im willing to help others. That I put people before me...and the truth is Ive never seen that...I want to believe everyone that tells me that, but my brain takes control and just smashes me into depression. Why cant I accept others compliments? I mean seriously is it that hard? I dont like being depressed, but its so much warmer than the happiness...every time I start feeling happy for what ever reason...I find 10 things that make me sadder and make me want to die even more. Now stop, I know what you are thinking...I can help this person, I want to help this person. Because what we are taught in school is to help this individual...but the thing is I dont need the help, everyone that has tried to help me has either failed, left me, or made it worse. I dont want those things to happen to me anymore. Ive started hiding from people that try to help me that tell me everything will be OK. My demons are stronger than your angels so just please dont make it worse. OK, so I know this is starting to sound like a suicide note or something...but its really not. I have decided that in my life, that is not the way to go. I just need an outlet...and vent system so that I dont OD on pills or cut myself...or just do something really really stupid...and if I have to write a novel to do so...then well I guess I write a novel. But anyway...this has gone on a bit longer than I really wanted it to. Ive calmed down a little bit. I just miss my sister ALOT, and I just miss all the happiness that I use to have during this month...and I just hate how it was all ripped away from me in an instant. The wounds have not healed...and I really dont think they ever will.
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 07:43:55 +0000
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