Super Truth: You Will Hurt People...And That’s OK As much as I HATE to let people down, disappoint them, or hurt them (like really, really, hate it...this is my absolute biggest fear)...I know I often do. At least, more often than I’d like. Friends, family, lovers, colleagues, clients, strangers. I’ve hurt them all at some point or another. Not intentionally...but unintended hurt is just as painful. But I realized something tonight. Trying so hard not to hurt people, especially people in the “I really like you & would love to date you if you are inclined to give it a try” category, ends up being hurtful in an especially painful way. Someone gets REALLY hurt by trying to avoid the pain, wriggle out of the disappointment, & remain “nice” in someone else’s eyes. Me. I end up getting hurt. It wasn’t until I lost someone I cared about for reasons I still do not understand that I realized how incredibly large my own capacity for hurting someone is. Without even knowing what I did, I hurt her so much that she blocked me from her life. In what felt like an instant, our 10-year friendship was all but over. Forgotten. Erased. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Because a tie severed that completely must’ve stemmed from a deep hurt. Whether I actually did something or simply triggered a defensive response from a previous hurt, I was still the catalyst to causing pain in someone I care about. And that sucks. The truth is that we ALL have such a capacity, whether we want it or not. The deeper people let us into their lives, the less it takes for us to emotionally devastate them. The more we know about their fears, their vulnerabilities, & how they’ve been hurt before...the easier it is for us to cut them to the quick without trying very hard at all (consciously or unconsciously). And if we’ve let them in too, the reverse is also true. Vulnerability & connection don’t come with a guarantee. Being open with people can often deliver to them the very means with which to absolutely crush us later on. But it also comes with a few other things. Like being really, deeply understood. Being seen in a way you never knew was possible. Finding safety & comfort just sitting silently together...without having to try. Creating inside jokes that generate laughter with only a glance, a word, or the right emoticon. And who doesn’t want more of those things in their lives? Back to not wanting to hurt people...I think I shut down a lot of potentially great relationships before they got too deep. I could sense when we got to an emotional edge. One that if we crossed it, one or both of us would have the ability to hurt the other. And I did NOT want that kind of power! Ironically, I was less afraid of giving that power to others because I trusted my own resilience. My ability to bounce back no matter what. Which in retrospect was kind of arrogant. “Hey, if you accidentally hurt me, I can totally take it. But you...well...I am not so sure you could survive me hurting you. I’d rather not take the chance. Nice knowing you, but the depth & connection stop here where I feel safe. Thanks for playing.” Talk about a control freak?! But here I sit on the other side of a painful experience where I both hurt someone & got hurt. Not gonna lie...this particular hurt flattened me for a good long time. Not as bad as my first big break-up which, because I was young & stupid, I allowed to suck the joy out of my life for, oh, about 2 years. This time around was more like a few months. After that I was unwilling to wallow in my hurt. So, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, & started moving forward again even though I didn’t feel ready. Eventually the forward motion worked its magic and life started to feel normal again. Except...it wasn’t the same kind of normal. I felt a shift inside of me that I couldn’t explain. Something opened up. Maybe it was new found strength. Maybe it was a sense of vulnerability that made me more approachable. I am not 100% sure what it was...I just know I am allowing people into my life more deeply than I’ve ever allowed them in before. Sharing myself in ways I didn’t know I could. Being trusted more deeply and learning what it means to receive in that way. Accepting the fact that I may hurt these people, or they may hurt me, if we decide we don’t want the same things...but knowing that we are both strong enough to recover, especially when we allow ourselves to develop connections as real & deep as the ones I’ve been feeling. Now I see that all the years I kept people at arm’s distance, trying not to hurt anyone, or maybe even trying not to get hurt again myself, actually hurt me in the long run. It kept me from the richness that comes with a deep connection. The aliveness that comes from exploring an unknown way of being. The joy that grows with wondering “what if” instead of knowing the answers that will keep me safe. It’s happening more often now than I imagined it ever could. Long wandering conversations over late night pancakes. Meandering phone calls about music, books, & the art of a life lived without rules. Collaborative partners that inspire within me ideas I cannot wait to bring to life in the coming year. Mentoring calls about how to take life to the next level by pushing the boundaries of what it means to be professional. I cannot thank the people who have gone to these new places with me enough. You have filled me with a kind of desire I always wanted but never knew how to find. Turns out it was there inside me all along. I was just too afraid of hurting you to see it. But I’m not afraid anymore. Because hurting is part of living. In fact, it is the thing that lets us know that what we had mattered. And if there is ANYTHING I want out of this life, it is to say I lived with every ounce of my being and didn’t miss a damn thing...including the hurt.
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 06:15:27 +0000
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