THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF COMMENTS ON MY ARTICLES Things are really getting out of hand so I need to clear some stuff up. If only to simply continue my career. 1) ONCE AND FOR ALL, I DID NOT WRITE THE HBO HIT SHOW Silicon Valley! Someone named John Altschuler (his name is in the closing credits) did but I keep getting emails congratulating me on my great show!!. Im slightly embarrassed to respond because I dont want the emailers to feel foolish. Not only emails but I even got a comment on one article: John, why dont you stick to writing TV shows because this article sucks. Thank you. I love the show also. I guess, to be honest, deep down I wanted people to think I wrote that show. But I didnt. I finally need to come clean. 2) SATAN DIDNT FORCE ME TO WET MY BED. Laura H emailed me that the reason I wet my bed as a child was because I glorified Satan and so he made me wet the bed. Specifically, she said: . You wet the bed because the devil caused you too. One time, Satan made me poop on myself. I could not tell you why he did that. He is Satan. He doesnt care about us. God loves you. Which makes me think about the NYT Bestseller List. The #1 Book right now is about a 4 year old who died for ten minutes and then came back with proof that heaven exists and then he wrote a 300 page book about it. Why doesnt a 4 year old ever come back from the dead screaming Holy &&&&, HELL IS REAL!! Now THAT kid would probably wet the bed because of Satan. I wet the bed because I would dream of going to the bathroom and I would not wake up and I would go in real life while still sleeping. Fortunately my parents provided me with rubber sheets that they would change every morning. I miss my Daddy. 3) A common comment on my articles is, I will never get the last ten minutes of my life back. Ive gotten that comment about 500 times. So youre not being very original. Its a very standard, even gut, reaction to my articles. Presumably, they started my 600 word article, and they got stuck in what I call the Altucher vortex. Some mysterious force (Satan?) kept them going word by painful word, a tractor beam holding them in place for an entire ten minutes. And at the end, they felt all icky. As if they watched some sort of 10 hour Jersey Shore marathon. To somehow work off this ickiness they feel compelled to take an additional few seconds to make a comment. An insult to me but also, out of the goodness of their hearts, a warning for all who get trapped into my nonsensical tangents: I will never get those five minutes back and you wont either if you fall into CRAZY TOWN. But I have news for you, my friend. I am holding a sale on those ten minutes. If you read my NEXT article I promise you that you will get those ten minutes back. Trust me. I will send you back into a time where you felt fondly curious about me. Just like Lisa D did for about ten minutes 24 years ago when we went on our first date and then she didnt want to anymore and I stalked her for a month or so and recently she died of cancer. I miss you, Lisa. 4) Altuchers world is an ugly world where we all ultimately fail, says Kirsten in a comment to one of my very recent articles. She then proceeds to repeat it in several other comments when people under my mind-control try to convince her otherwise. She argues her point about Altuchers World very passionately. I admire that sort of passion. Maybe in a different world...in a different time...if we had met before I met Claudia...who knows? I could show you first hand how ugly this world is I live in. Im trapped in. Maybe in your kindness you would reach out and pull me into your beautiful world. I dont know. The sad thing is, shes right. When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror the first thing I say to myself is, Altuchers world is an ugly world. My kids say it to me also when they walk in the door, holding the F (Failure!) on their latest test. Theyre just innocent little kids, stuck in the genetic mashup I created for them where they are doomed for failure. My 12 year old says, daddy, Why is Altuchers World such an ugly world? A horror mismash. Even as I write this, people are screaming and running in criss-cross directions outside my window. Aliens are crashing into Earth. Mini-black holes are sucking love into their event horizons. Everyone who died in my town, which is now enclosed in a glass dome nobody can escape based on that movie about my life, has come back and nobody knows why. Welcome to ALTUCHERS WORLD. A scary place where we all check-in but we can never leave. 5) Tonya S wrote a comment about a line in the first paragraph of one of my articles that FORCED her to stop reading: Sorry, I got to ...alien ancestors... and I just cant get through this In the article I very seriously referred to our alien ancestors who created us in the first paragraph. 17 replies to her comment agreed with her that this was a good place to stop reading the article. If only she kept reading. If only she liked me and wanted to get to know me. We could meet for coffee and discuss aliens and outer space and Star Trek and what would happen if an alien man mated with an Earth woman - what would it look like? what they would do to each other? would their children be Presidents? Would the child be a Jew? If only she let me JUST EXPLAIN TO HER. Because I dont know! Im sure Tonya and I could be great friends if she got to know me. If ONLY she read the last 90% of that article where I gave the only advice she will ever need to hear. Tonya, please, COME BACK! From now on Tonya, I will NOT MENTION aliens in my articles because I really want you and your 17 friends to read the rest of my articles. Im a people pleaser and the people I want to please is Tonya! 6) Harry S wrote some analysis of another article I wrote: This is SICK! Most people will always have cubicle jobs or society will collapse. If society collapses, cab drivers will drive into dead ends. Donut stores will refuse to put holes in the middle. Newspaper stands wont be updated with the latest Kim Kardashian photos. Doctors will stop selling you band-aids. Schoolteachers will just give up and go home and wait out the apocalypse. Please, people who work in cubicles, you are our only hope. DO NOT let society collapse. The cubicles are the only walls holding up society as we know it. Yesterday I saw X-Men: Days of Future Past. If you stop going to your cubicles, who will make the popcorn? Who will take my tickets? With whose hands will the next masterpieces of art be painted? For the love of Satan, please stay in those cubicles. Harry is right and Ive never known him to be wrong. Please listen to him. Dont be SICK! 6) I was sitting here writing. I was doing my thing. Claudia woke up and came downstairs and saw what I was wearing (doctors coat) and I was suffering from mild Tourettes that occasionally happens to me when I first see her in the morning. You know youre a clown, do you know that? she said. Its 6:42 AM on a Friday. Welcome to Altuchers World. A world where dreams turn to pools of urine. Where mirrors are mini-holocausts of crooked lines and warped mutations. Where reality is a flower that dies before it blooms. Where aliens bully children while teachers get trapped in labyrinthine jungle gyms. A slug eats a piece of food for breakfast and it takes 30 years for it to digest that breakfast. Its resting temperature is 86 degrees. Everything in a slugs life is just slower than ours. When they move they leave a coat of slime behind. In a nutshell, that is Altuchers World. Or, as Shaun N wrote in the most liked comment on my most recent article on LinkedIn: What the hek just happened?
Posted on: Fri, 13 Jun 2014 11:41:03 +0000
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