THE DEFINITIVE SHIT LIST THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but theres no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but theres no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with skidmarks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when youve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit thats so enormous youre afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the Power Dump. The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE HONEYMOONS OVER SHIT Any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you dont. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually cant shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesnt count. SHITZOPHRENIA Fear of shitting. Can be fatal! [Editors note: shouldnt it be Shitzophobia?] ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT Also known as a Still Going shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, youve barely got your pants down and youre done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, youd swear its got to be coming out sideways. THE I THINK IM GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE IM GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER SHIT When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE I THINK IM TURNING INTO A BUNNY SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE? SHIT Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you dont warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. THE I JUST KNOW THERES A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE SHIT You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall because if you wipe now, its just going to smear all over the place.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 23:20:00 +0000