THE DILLARDS THIEF This is too funny! This could only be true; you cant make this stuff up. Clutching their Dillards shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here? murmured Ellen. Come on, Ellen, lets just go... But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, Ill just put my things in your bag, and then Ill take the tissue. She dumped her purchases into Kays bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillards bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellens burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kays Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Lubys Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kays Chevy with the Dillards bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!!!!! As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillards bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. Can you imagine? finally sputtered Ellen. The nerve of that woman! Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought shed have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellens eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillards bag, THE Dillards bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register: the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillards bag perched on her stomach. My mom always taught me if it doesnt belong to you dont touch it, guess she didnt have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things! ARE YOU LAUGHING???? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ First Time Sixty-Nine An inexperienced guy took a girl home to her apartment where she suggested that they try a 69. What do you mean? he asked. Not really knowing how to explain, she said Ill put my head in between your legs, and you put yours in between mine. Willing to give it a try but still unsure, he agreed, but as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart! What the hell was that! he said. Ooops sorry, lets try again, she said. On the second attempt, the same thing happened, so the guy got up and started getting dressed. The girl asks, Where are you going? To which the guy replied, Well if you think Im hanging around for another 67 of those , youre mistaken! Look Out here comes Little Johnny Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me, he said. She never says anything to me, I dont think she knows Im alive. Well, his father responded, the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl. The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. Hey Suzy, he said, that is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Whered you get one with the knobs on it? Without blinking an eye she replied, The same place you got your pants with the gear shift. ========================
Posted on: Wed, 30 Oct 2013 14:30:10 +0000
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