THE WORST OF 2014 Before we get to the best, we have to recognize the worst. First, I am thankful to have not seen the following films as they were crucified on Rotten Tomatoes so savagely I am compelled to never waste time on them. And neither should you! Action Smac-tion • The Legend of Hercules: This was the first of two Hercules movies released in 2014. That’s at least one too many. (RT: 3%) • I, Frankenstein: Aaron Eckhart starred in this graphic novel adaptation signaling his official descent to the C-List. A shame. (RT: 4%) • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Widely considered to be the worst of the summer blockbusters at $191 million. A franchise that won’t seem to die. (RT: 19%) Romantic Tripe • The Best of Me: Nicholas Sparks returns with Michelle Monaghan and James Marsden ending two decent careers and making a lot of 50ish women cry and hate their spouses even more. (RT: 8%) • Winter’s Tale: Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe in a time travelling, costumed POS. Someone needs to tell Colin Farrell to stop making the same bad movie. (RT: 13%) • And So It Goes: Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton bombed in this piece of geriatric crap which performed so poorly the studio didn’t even submit it as an eligible release for 2014 awards consideration. Ninja Turtles? Submitted. That’s how bad. (RT: 15%) Pure Evil • Ouija: I find that the least scary thing in movie or reality is a oiuja board. Because someone’s always cheating. Worst board game ever. (RT: 8%) • Deliver Us from Evil: Poor Eric Bana. You deserve better. (RT: 31%) • A Haunted House 2: Another insipid horror spoof. This is actually a sequel to an insipid horror spoof. If you saw this in a theater, kill yourself. (RT: 8%) Dumber Than Dumb • Think Like a Man Too: Kevin Hart is the fastest rising star of shitty movies. Congrats! (RT: 24%) • Dumb and Dumber To: Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels return to destroy their careers. (RT: 29%) • Blended: Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Together. I rest my case. (RT: 14%) Falling Stars • Annie: People love this musical. But Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz managed to make it the worst reviewed movie of the holiday season. (RT: 27%) • Tammy: Melissa McCarthy is a comedy star despite herself . They opened this against Transformers 4. Wonder why? (RT: 26%) • Need for Speed: Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul does his best Fast & Furious impression. Paul Walker’s car crash was seen by more people. Back to the small screen. (RT: 23%) And I must make mention of the lowest rated film of the year starring our beloved Nicolas Cage who thought it would be a good idea to star in a remake of the Christian rapture-themed Kirk Cameron TV movie, Left Behind. Rotten Tomato score: 2%! And now, based on films I actually suffered through … TRICK’S FLICKS TOP TEN WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR: 10) Men, Women & Children: Juno’s Jason Reitman directed an all-star cast in this post-modern drama about the dangers of technology and the internet. Jennifer Garner plays the ultimate helicopter mom, tracking her daughter’s movements with Google Earth in probably the worst of several contrived plots. Emma Thompson’s insufferable narration just makes everything worse. You don’t need to explain to me how tragic this all is; I’m watching this tragedy unfold with my own two eyes! 9) Transcendence: Technology runs amuck again. Johnny Depp stars as a scientist who is assassinated and brought back to life as an AI program by his girlfriend. Of course, his online personality is evil, and he tries to destroy the world. Stupid. 8) The Monuments Men: George Clooney directs and stars with Matt Damon & Cate Blanchett in a WWII flick about curators and librarians saving priceless works of art from the Nazis. It could not have been less interesting. 7) Pompeii: Game of Thrones’ Kit Harrington stars in this disaster epic. An apt description. 6) RoboCop: An 80’s sci-fi classic remade starring The Killing’s Joel Kinnaman. How do you allow your 21st Century CGI to not look as good as the 1980’s crap we remember so fondly? 5) A Million Ways to Die in the West: Seth McFarlane and Charlize Theron star in this McFarland comedy creation. I expected a lot of laughs after his successful Mark Wahlberg film, Ted. All I got here were tumble weeds, clichés and the satisfaction of knowing I snuck in and didn’t pay for this shit. 4) Into the Storm: Ok, a tornado action movie. Could it be that bad? Yes, because it’s the worst acting and direction of the year. The one highlight: rooting for the tornadoes. 3) Endless Love: Magic Mike’s Alex Pettyfer stars in this romance remake of another 80’s classic. Couldn’t be more contrived and retarded. Endless Suck. 2) Devil’s Due: So this is the classic evil baby plot told in that mockumentary Blair Witch style that works so well in films like Chronicle and Paranormal Activity. Here, it’s so pathetic I want the entire format to be permanently retired. And the Winner is …. 1) Transformers: Age of Extinction: The worst in the series and another Wahlberg disaster as big as his blunder in 2008’s The Happening. Let the Transformers meet extinction along with Michael Bay and all involved with the worst 2014 had to offer. Optimus Slime.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 17:08:37 +0000
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