TMI Update: So, it has been a very long, exhausting, stressful yet blessed year. When words start flying around your house, like cancer, tumors, surgery, treatments, doctor appointments, scan and the list goes on...I think anyone would put on their big girl panties and say Ive got this. Yeah, that didnt work so well. I so didnt have it. Some days I did but most days I didnt and nighttime was the worst because my brain would kick into high gear and I would play out every scenario in my mind. I cant remember if I ever said why me, but I know I felt like I was beginning to deserve every emotion I was feeling and the negative ones were taking root. I have never tried to dig myself out of something so hard in my entire life. I wrestled with giving up and giving up everything. I watched myself react to medication and stress in ways I never would have imagined I would behave. I watched people leave my life and thought that if the roles were reversed, I would have reached out to God to find the strength to stick through it for the person. But it just all kept falling apart. I questioned everything and everyone. Sometimes God has to take you down to nothing to build something better. So when did the upswing happen?...cause lets be honest, you would be wishing for an end too lol. It started with healthcare aka Obama care lol. I am well aware that I am the minority but after being self insured for 10 plus years, having the ability to have the healthcare subsidized, all of my options in one location and no one able to deny me was a Godsend. We changed coverage for the same price basically but more coverage and a lesser deductible. That financial burden of watching your lifes work and savings walk out the door really did make you question seeking help or just letting the chips fall. So, although last year was a serious financial hit, this year wont be. I still have one last go around coming up but that seems simple now that I am over one hurdle. The next thing that happened was I was given a clean slate of time with no outside distractions. Anyone who knows me, knows I will do anything for anyone and it just makes me happy to do it and that is the only reason I do it...cause it feels good. But when you add what I was going through, I had to get rid of it all to have peace first, to fix me. I look back now at things that happened as far back as 3 years and can see now Gods hand in all of it..preparing me for what I needed to do now. Had I had all of the responsibilities I had three years ago now and then this all happened - well you would be visiting me in a cemetery because the feeling of letting that many people down would have killed me. Next, the loss of people in my life...God sent others. That simple...people I had known and was able to rekindle those relationships to new ones. Showed me over and over that good was still in people and in the world. He would take care of the hearts of those who had disappeared on me and I love them all still, but in the meantime he sent an army to lift me up. If you are reading this then you are part of that army :-). He sent beautiful amazing people who spoke words of wisdom and were a conduit for Him. Through you when I would feel those roots of darkness digging deeper, one of you would say or do something that was just so perfect and a root would be cut away. He sent people I could help because he knew how happy that makes me feel. He sent the best medicine :-). Lastly, my business and work. In 2001 I left my corporate job to be home with my son and started my home business. Two years later retired Peter and a future, family and life we built together. I work for the most amazing company ever because it was always there. I had to park it for a while yet every month we continued to earn an income from the work I had been putting in. When I had to take months off for surgeries and recovery they were still there for me. And today I was able to start working again, doing what I love most...helping people. It has been a long journey with some more to go, but I kept breathing, kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept getting up each morning. I am sure I owe many of you an apology for not responding, going mia or a reaction I had and if I could hand you my heart and say please forgive me I would. Every fear I had manifested itself and many came to pass but they are no longer fears because by getting through them I realized it wasnt anything more than a fear. A fear isnt tangible it is just a feeling and while that matters it isnt everything. So thank you for helping me through this and this saves me from using up all my cell minutes to call each of you hahaha. For those of you that I will see in Salt Lake City here in a few weeks - dont be surprised if I just hug you out of the blue :-) or better yet, you find me and hug me.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Apr 2014 17:31:50 +0000
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