TRIGGER WARNING for discussion of transphobia This message was sent to us by one of our supporters. Im deeply humbled by the experiences and the message in his story. Hello, My name is John ... when I read Leelah Alcorns story I cried so hard. It hit me in the deepest way because it was also so similar to my childhood. I cried to know another human being has felt that level of sorrow and despair from the people who were supposed to protect her most. Ive remained silent about my past publically until now. .. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I’m 26 years old FtM. I’ve give birth to one son, which afterward I started my transition. I’m 1 year + on testosterone. I’m married to a man and he is a fantastic person with a good heart. I am white, but I live in an all black, Jamaican, some Puerto Rican neighborhood. We are the only white family, surrounded by churches on many corners. Because of many traumas in my past - thing like prolonged carbon monoxide poisoning to harassment, abuse, starvation, neglect - I have sever PTSD. To treat my PTSD I smoke medical marijuana. I have my card and it is legal in my state and I follow all my laws. My parents rejected my identity before I could even let it see day light. MY father used religion a lot as a weapon against my confidence, my self esteem, my soul. it wasnt the bible that was killing me, it was how he- they used it. My father turned to me one day and said dead serious into my eyes - you can’t have her! - as if I was possessed by a demon. My father terrified and terrorized me. I was afraid to speak. To laugh, to cry, to move to breath. I have been disowned 3 times. The third time was when I was pregnant and I would let my father come to my apartment to talk to me because he was extremely angry on the phone and didnt even ask my permission, he just treated me like property. -- My father has threatened to kill me simply because he doesnt understand me and their catholic faith (which had nothing to really do with why they didnt want me to see a doctor) was telling them I was an abomination-- my father and my mother and in fact my whole father knows my father has sum problems, temper issues. my father and mother would groom me before every doctors visit, telling me what to and what not to say - to avoid the doctor thinking I was getting abused. I believed my parents, I believed I wasnt getting abused - until one day I had a child of my own and I couldnt fathom treating him the way they treated me. My son is 2 years old now... and I can remember the most terrifying feelings I EVER had in my life- wasnt the carbon monoxide poisoning, wasnt being homeless or starving, wasnt being threatened by my father- the most terrifying feeling to me is this could happen to my son... I recently had a life saving procedure- a hysterectomy- not because of reasons u would guess though. When my first son was born I became fully aware of the horrors in this world, I attended therapy to ensure I was becoming the best parent possible by dealing with my problems. What I wasnt dealing with was my trans issues and the abuse I had gone threw. I began to feel emotion and terror as well for my son. When I had my hysterectomy it took away a silent hysteria that I have had knowing that I could bring another person into this world and they could go threw what I did. it still terrifies me to think I could die, my husband and the godparents maybe not be able to take my son for whatever reason and he ends up in foster care with people like my parents. I cannot bare the thought, so ever since Leelah Story became public I’ve been on a mission to change this world- for her, for my son, for the children, its time to bring on the kindness and its time to be aware of the present reality and that reality is - no one on this planet knows what’s in the after life, but what we all inherently know is what is left behind when someone dies- that is memories and the world. I’ll be damned if I leave this world a mess for the children of the future. Doesn’t everyone get it? Catholic, trans, politicians, mother, fathers, thieves, every single human being wants the same thing and we are arguing with fictional ways to do them when we just been to look with your eyes, and see with your heart the world right in front of you. not the world in a book or in your mind, the world that’s alive! Touch it, feel it, smell it because it’s only gonna be there for a minute. We can be the consciousness of the world; we can awake the kindness this world has to offer through knowledge and kindness that we show. Don’t get angry at their ignorance, just know that someday the truth will be known because you won’t stop till it is.
Posted on: Sat, 03 Jan 2015 19:14:54 +0000
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