Thank you for the well wishes and thoughts today. I dont post these things for sympathy or attention, but to let my friends know whats up. Normally this would be done through contact and conversation, but there are too many of you and most of you are not out here. The news this morning was devastating, but not in the broad scheme of things. There are far worse things to get news of. But it brought to light a few things. 1) I did see this coming. She went out with him the week I left. They have been seeing each other since July of last year and she has been living with him since November. Soooooooo, its not surprising. It hurts, but it isnt surprising. 2) I am still madly in love with her, and this is probably keeping me from meeting anyone else, but there really isnt anyone out there that I can imagine coming anywhere close to giving me what we had. 3) I came to the very bizarre realization that I had this deep seeded thought, or hope, or something, that there may still be some sort of a remote chance the size of 1 millionth of a grain of sand, that we could somehow reach an understanding and repair what has happened. 4) I am not hanging on to any sorrow over our divorce. Possibly some regret about things that werent said, options that werent explored, or something. 5) Back to Number 1. It was more than two years ago that we had the conversation of Is this what I want to do. At that point, we were going to make it work, no matter what. After a little while, it was clear that she was not going to be able to stick to The Plan. For me it was easy, I wasnt the one watching my beloved changing before my eyes. So she went to therapy and began the process of mourning the loss of Steve. The next year was very rough. There was anger and hurt and lashing out in fits of rage (not me). At the end of it all, she said she wished I was just an asshole and she could hate me, but Im not and she couldnt. But I agree, this would all be easier if we didnt still love each other. If we hated each other. But I have been so happy lately. We had a great conversation over the weekend and we had that moment of tears talking about being soulmates. (weve been divorced for 9 months, and not been living together every day for about a year before that....so its not sudden) 6) Having been sleeping great, the last two nights were spent restless, with very little sleep. I found myself messing with my ring finger, missing the rings since September, and feeling just odd for them to not be there. Something was drawing my attention to them. That was Tuesday. Well, Tuesday is when he proposed to her. So I knew. That connection is still there. What it all boils down to is that I am ok. Honestly. I am fine. Yes, this rips my soul apart worse than anything Pinhead could throw at me (not that Im asking for that). There are going to be ridiculously bad points coming, but I will get over it. And when I do, then that is when I will get the news of when the date is. Its the way that will happen. But despite everything, we are soulmates. We acknowledge this, even though my better half, and she truly is, is moving on.
Posted on: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 05:27:11 +0000