Thanksgiving is in two days. Thanksgiving is usually a day in my house that cant be messed with. Ever since I was little Thanksgiving has been the best day of my life. It was Grans favorite Holiday. It is the start of the Holiday season. We eat, we drink, we cook, we discuss, we game, we eat again, we eat some more. Most families across America have the same picture in their minds for this day. Theres something about this that I love. That everyone (most everyone) in America has agreed to sit around a dinner table and eat food prepared for a family. This thanksgiving with the passing of my grandma it will be different. Her seat will be empty. The kitchen wont smell the same. The food wont taste the same. Our hearts wont feel the same. If youve ever lost anyone. {I hate that we say lost someone because I havent lost her but I digress} you understand what this means. The person I was on October 9th 2014 is a stranger to the person I became on October 10th. Experiencing a holiday without her is on my list of hellish experiences. But the fact is that death forces you to look internally. A very very smart man once said, write hard and clear about what hurts. So this is what you get. I cant write about how perfect my life is right now. But it is dang beautiful and hard. Its hella hard. Ill continue to write hard and (sort of) clear about what hurts. I feel honored to now be apart of a group of people who have also lost someone close to them. We are in the same club. We understand each other. Because now the Holidays or any day that was special to you is forever different. As are you.... Forever different. Lots of people wont understand that. Theyll want you to move on, stop crying, they may even go as far to tell you to get over it. To those people who have never said goodbye to someone: Grief is not something you are allowed to steal from someone. Grief is a process and a gift. You too will experience this one day. And you will want to be loved the way you want to be loved. If someone you know is grieving do not tell them it will be okay. IT WILL NOT BE OKAY. One day the person you love will find a new normal and life will be beautiful again. But offering your loved one okay is gibberish. You know that there will come a day when life is beautiful again but that day is not today. And all you can offer is your love. Tell the grieving person you love them. Over and over again. A lot of times those are the only words a person can understand. Talk with them about the person that passed away. Just because they died doesnt mean theyre gone. Sometimes we may want to talk about them. Sometimes we wont . Be patient with us. We dont even know how to breath some moments so please be patient. We are learning how to survive too. Bring food. Lots of food! When my grandma died a month and a half ago people brought food. Some stayed and talked. Others just dropped it at the front door. We had to throw some food away {which I hate} because there was so much food! Feeding people is a beautiful thing. When someone dies, the people that loved that person immediately cease the ability to feel. Lots of us check into survival mode. That happens because the world doesnt care that your life flipped inside out. The world will call you NOT EVEN one hour after youve left the hospital to talk about donating your loved ones organs. NOT EVEN AN HOUR. And while I understand the necessary persistence due to time obligations also I repeat NOT EVEN AN HOUR. When that happens, when youre forced to talk about your grandmas body as a science project you stop feeling immediately. Why? Because questions must be answered. Things must get done. In order to survive you must get through the next moments of your life by not feeling a thing. But food. Food gives feeling back to your body. It took me a while to eat. But once I did that feeling that Americans get after a good meal was the first real feeling I had. Stuffed. And thats a beautiful gift. The people who brought my family food gave our family feelings again. Thank you. To the grievers, People are going to say stupid things. Thats a promise. You dont need to feel like you need to hide your facial expressions when those people say stupid things. They know it was stupid. Theyre just trying to be helpful. Give them grace. More grace then youve ever given anyone ever in the history of ever. When you think you cant give anymore grace then give ten times more. Forgiving people is the only thing that will free you. And you need lots of freedom right now. Your grieving process is going to look different then the next sisters process and thats okay. What helped me was this: if I felt like crying, I cried. To this day I tell people when they come over that I randomly start crying and not to be alarmed by that. If you need to laugh, laugh! I plugged myself into yoga. When I was ready I started doing yoga every day. I went to class 5 times a week and was doing it in my house when I wasnt in class. I like yoga because of everything it stands for. How it forced my to breathe when I couldnt remember why or how to. It gives me something to focus on other than the obvious loss. I went to visit friends for long weekends. Im still doing that. Im lucky that I can do that! I made myself go to church. If you arent a church person Id suggest doing something restorative like walking, napping or reading. I do all of those but church gave me a peace that nothing else could. The minute my mom called me and told me gran was at the hospital I sent a text to all my friends asking them to pray that God would move mountains for me and my family. Although my prayer wasnt answered the way I wanted it every time I step into church Im gently reminded with a rush of emotions that God did move so many mountains for me that day. Like how we didnt get a ticket driving 90 mph and how she died on her sisters birthday. So many mountains moved for me and continue to move for me daily. Which leads me to what all this tragedy has brought me to today. Yes, Im different. Yes, Im sad. But Im still me. Ive got an extra layer of sensitive that I believe connects me to a lot more people. And I think I have a different presence to offer the world. I havent been posting as much on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram. Im going to write a post about my feelings towards social media soon. Ive got a lot to say. Its probably not what you think. The reason why I havent been posting is because Ive been offering my presence. And not just to my friends and family but to myself. When I arrive somewhere early {lets be honest- thats almost never} instead of looking at my IG I sit a breath and pray and look around. Giving myself rest is a beautiful thing. So I encourage you as you sit around your dinner table this Thanksgiving to offer yourself and the world your presence. That means something totally different to lots of people. What does that mean to you? I want to know! I like to mix up the deep stuff with the surface level stuff but I frankly Im over surface level. At least for now. So to give you a real insight to who I am. I am going to take a hot bath and watch Real HouseWives Of Beverly Hills. Because like food, trash TV helps me feel things other than sadness. I know, I know. Im pretty emotionally advanced and youre all jealous of how well I handle tragedy. I have so much love for all of you for following my journey and sharing with me. Love bar
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 01:20:26 +0000