The Bachelor episode two rankings: 1. Bachelor Virgin Genies: I will grant you three wishes...but you have to rub it first. Step off that saddle, Ashley Eye. Ive used the rub it and you get three wishes line all the way back in 2003. Although to be fair, mine was 3.5 seconds of wish. And I dont think she intended on that being her wish. 2. Juelia: how is her name spelled like that? Even just reading it out loud makes me feel like the lame white guy attempting to speak Spanish with an accent. 3. Cialis commercials: is it me or does every one-on-one date feel like a Cialis commercial? I keep waiting for Chris to play the rub it and you get three wishes game. 4. CH and Farmer Chris starring in a Folgers commercial: just a couple of dudes, drinking coffee, enjoying life. The best part of waking up...is probably realizing there are 23 desperate girls 20 feet away from you. Now sip on that and take it all in. 5. The Two Jillians: I know make up enables people to look slightly different, but this is ridiculous. Shes like Jack Napier before and after he falls into the vat of Axis chemical waste. If she starts flamboyantly gyrating to Prince songs while wearing a purple overcoat, Im going to lightup the Bat-signal. Although after her slip on the carpet, I did sense a little Joker laugh in her so its still not out of the question.... 6. Kelseys Joker laugh: speaking of cackling, was Kelsey kidding or does she really sound like a diabolical comic villian when she laughs? This show is officially sponsored by DC. 7. Second chances: just what every female wants: a girl whom they are competing with gets a second go at it with the farmer of her their dreams. If theres one thing I know, its that women love when others contestants get a chance for redemption. In no way will they talk badly about this. 8. Outdoor showers: not since the Club Tropicana video have outdoor showers been so strategically utilized. Havent seen it? I highly suggest you immediately follow the link below....or take a look at our video from beach week 2004. Now its all starting to make sense, isnt it? youtu.be/WYX0sjP6Za8 9. Hoodies with no shirt: sponsored by David Charvet circa 1994, Im not saying I do this look, but I dont not do it. 10. Zombie hunting: shooting vapid, empty creatures who prey on others at night.....maybe Ashley S. is right in that you do shoot each other? 11. Tractor racing: well played with the cheesy instrumental cover of Bonnie Tylers Holding out for a Hero. I see your game, producers of The Bachelor. But nothing--not even a Bachelor Virgin Genie with eyelash extensions--can top Kevin Bacon. 12. Pants-less robbers: brings new meaning to the term wet bandits. 13. Country setting in the middle of downtown LA: its Farmer Chris safe hay-ven 14. Aliens as a first-date topic: seems like MacKenzie is a quite the cling-on. (Okay I just had to get those out of the way...this is what happens when you watch this show at odd hours of the day) 15. Youre gonna do so good: when anyone utters this to you with the fain enthusiasm of a Bachelor contestant, just realize that no, no youre not gonna do so good. Proceed immediately to the bar and call it a night. 16. My boss said I need to be on The Bachelor: yeah, Ive heard that too Megan.... 17. .....immediately followed up by Megans tragic story: not gonna lie--it got a little misty-eyed in the Brendan Pad. Time to take a brief intermission from snarky comments laced with obscure pop cultural references.... (sneezing....waiting) Done. And yes, I love Megans big heart too. Her big, round, voluptuous....heart..... 18. Jordans liver: only my brain watching this show is abused and tortured more. 19. Discovering that Castle is still on network television: maybe its just my fried brain, but I couldve sworn I saw a logo in the bottom left-hand corner of my TV that said Next: an all-new Castle.....have you ever met anyone that likes this show? I wonder what theyd be like? Like do they have Castle nights and drink white zinfandel like people do when watching Greys Anatomy? Whats Castle about? Is it like Bones? Is the guy from Bones on it? Did you know that Wings was on for eight seasons? EIGHT?? I liked Lowell. 20. Ashley S, cat whisperer: its The Bachelor, not Burning Man. I think shes on the same thing that lots of contestants have been on in the past. Whats it called? Oh yeah, over-acting. 21. Make Out coupons: Farmer Chris gets kisses from an extremely attractive girl..and Id get a warrant for my arrest. 22. Peach fuzz weed whacker, angels in candles, Mesa Verde, hide & seek with Ashley S, shooting fake zombies likes its an NWA video, eyelash extensions, Mesa Verde again, barrels of hay, dont want to lose the whole world, but dont want to gain the whole world, Chris dropping holy schnikes......Im caught in a glass case of crazy...and theres no turning back. Onto next week!
Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 01:35:16 +0000
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