The Comfort of Knowledge, Chapter 10 Sirius was not sure how long he had been lying by the fire in the common room. He felt tired and angry—a combination that his roommates, for some reason, did not appreciate. After storming into their dorm and violently throwing his books to the floor, Sirius had turned to find Peter sitting up in his bed with a surprised and slightly fearful expression on his face. He continued to stare at the black-haired boy for several moments before timidly asking if he had done something to upset him. Annoyed at the question and unable to shake the feeling that he had been overreacting all night, Sirius let out a frustrated growl and left; slamming the door behind him. He was glad that James wasnt around. He didnt know if he would be able to explain what put him in such a foul mood without sounding ridiculous. But it was ridiculous, wasnt it? Why did it matter so much when someone else watched Remus? Or talked to him? Or touched him? Plenty of people hung off of James on a daily basis and Sirius hardly gave it a second thought. The image of Remus studying by candlelight flashed into his mind unbidden and he felt his heart rate increase. The difference was that James was nothing like Remus. He wasnt shy or quiet or vulnerable. He wasnt hiding a terrible secret behind golden eyes and a warm smile. Yet maybe Remus was fine alone. Maybe he really didnt need Sirius to tell him that he knew his secret—that he wasnt afraid of him. Sirius wanted him to know though. He wanted to protect the younger boy and prove to him that we was worthy of his trust. He wanted Remus to come to him if he needed someone to confide in. He wanted Remus to know that he was better than Terry. In fact, he couldnt remember wanting anything so fiercely in his life. His thoughts returned suddenly to the study session. Would Remus be angry at him? Would he start avoiding him again? Would he go weeks without speaking to him? The thought made Sirius feel slightly sick to his stomach and he rolled over on his side to face the fire. The warmth did nothing to soothe him. He continued to lay there until the sound of someone opening the portrait startled him, and he sat up quickly. Even with so little light from the dying embers of the fire Sirius could see who it was. Not trusting his voice, he remained silent—staring into the eyes that rarely left his thoughts. Remus walked quietly and gracefully into the room until he was a few feet away from Sirius lounging form. He looked neither surprised nor upset to see the older boy; but when he took a deep breath Sirius got the impression he was trying to calm himself. Did that mean Remus was angry with him? Interesting speech, Remus said finally. Did Brudgon really step on the guy fifty times? Sirius thought to himself that, had he not studied Remus so much lately, he would have believed the other boy to be simply curious. However, Sirius had spent too much time watching Remus to not notice the straight back and the slight tremble in the smaller boys hands. He stood up and took a step closer to the smaller boy before answering—noting in the back of his mind the comfort he felt at having Remus within reach. Yeah, he whispered. Apparently good boots go a long way. The corner of Remus mouth twitched. So…did you go flying with Terry? He tried to sound casual but the jealousy he felt at the idea was so strong he was sure it must have come through in his words. Remus shook his head and laughed shakily. I wasnt joking when I said I cant fly. I dont want to think what would happen if I tried it at night. Sirius felt himself smile, unable to stop his eyes from travelling down to watch Remus lips quirk up as well. His lips looked soft. You ok, Sirius? The black-haired boy forced himself to meet the other boys eyes, worrying he had been caught. But Remus was staring at the fire, the gold flecks in his eyes sparkling. Yeah, Im fine, he paused. Not used to so much studying. Remus smiled again and looked up into his eyes. Sirius had the feeling Remus was studying him, looking for something. He wondered if his eyes betrayed what he knew. He was never good at hiding things from his friends. When Remus finally looked away, Sirius couldnt help feeling nervous. What had Remus seen? Well, I suppose I better get to bed. Early start. He gave the dark-haired boy one last smile and turned to go. Goodnight Sirius. Sirius hesitated a moment before reaching out and gently taking hold of Remus arm. Remus, I— I what? I know your secret? I want to help? I dont want you to go? All of those were true but he couldnt help thinking how odd they would sound spoken aloud in the middle of the common room. Remus was staring at him expectantly. Waiting. Sirius thought he could feel the boys arm shaking in his light grip but Remus face betrayed nothing. He tried to speak but no sound came out and he could feel his heart speeding up as it had earlier. Remus perfect eyes… Sirius lost track of how long they stood staring at each other. He thought he saw several emotions flit across the other boys face. Guilt? Regret? Fear? There was no doubt in his mind that Remus knew he had figured out his secret. Sirius leaned in suddenly, not sure what he intended to do, but wanting to get closer. The sudden movement startled Remus and he took a few quick steps back—hitting his shoulder on the wall near the staircase in the process—and let out a strangely familiar whimper before pressing a hand to his shoulder. Sirius stepped toward him with a concerned look on his face but, mumbling a soft goodnight, the smaller boy turned quickly and rushed up the stairs. The black-haired boy immediately felt a pang of loss as the other boy left the room. The fire had died out completely and the only light left came from the moon. He knew he should go to bed and leave Remus alone. He knew he should think things over himself and try to get a good nights sleep. He knew he should do these things but he found that he just couldnt. He felt unsettled. He hadnt said what he needed to and he would not be able to relax, much less sleep, until he did. Feeling reckless and impatient, Sirius followed Remus upstairs – stopping outside the door to the fifth year dormitory. The others would be asleep by now. He waited another moment before pushing the door open quietly and walking in. Sure enough, the room was bathed in darkness. The only light he could see came from under the bathroom door. He crossed the room in an instant and held his breath. Too late to turn back. He opened the door just enough so he could slip in without lighting up any part of the dorm that might cause one of the other boys to wake – and didnt look up until he had closed the door silently behind him. The sight he was met with was both disturbing and breathtaking. He inhaled sharply before he could stop himself. Remus had taken his shirt off and was leaning over the sink splashing water on his face. The pale, smooth skin on his back was littered with hundreds of scars of all different sizes. There were at least a dozen new cuts across his back and arms; and the reason for Remus earlier whimper of pain instantly became clear. He felt compelled to step closer. He saw Remus back stiffen as he approached, but the boy merely turned the tap off and lifted his eyes to meet Sirius gaze in the mirror. Unable to stop himself, Sirius reached a hand out and lightly ran his fingertips over the soft skin. Sirius... Remus was staring intently at Sirius in the mirror. Are these from all the times you tried to fly, Remus? Remus eyes continued to study him in the mirror, frowning slightly. Its dangerous, Remus said softly. Sirius stared at the scars under his fingertips before looking back into Remus eyes. I know. Remus skin looked so enticing in the light. When Sirius found he couldnt stare into the golden eyes any longer, he leaned forward to rest his head against the chilled skin. He couldnt remember feeling so peaceful—like he had been working for hours and finally, finally he got to rest. He brought his hand up to trace some of the scars on the smaller boys back. To his surprise, Remus didnt stop him. ~ My heart T___T SummerMess never finished this fic but I still love it with all my heart. This is from: The Comfort of Knowledge. ~MarauderBlack
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 04:23:41 +0000
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