The Deer Hunter I got back into deer hunting when I moved back to Jacksonville about 10 years ago. I never lost interest in hunting but lack of places to hunt and time caused me to leave it behind while I lived in Maryland. Some Jerk at the Apartment Complex would have complained about me cleaning a deer on the balcony anyway. I learned what skills I have from the best. Jim Bridger, Davy Crockett and Dan’l Boone. My father made some small contributions as well. I had trouble listening to my father’s advice because he repeated it 10,000 times. A flaw common to many parents. I generally tuned out after one lesson. I also perfected smart ass comments which tended to shut him up for an hour or two. At about the age of about ten, I recall him asking me what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I looked at him and yep he was serious. I knew what he was asking but I replied, I am going to watch Bugs Bunny in a few minutes and The Stooges come on after that. He would stomp off frowning. Occasionally he would hit me with, Do you know what I was doing at 10? I would say yes I do, was it summer or winter? Ah, Ah, It was winter. Then you were either walking to school ten miles in the snow, breaking the ice to get water, or your butt froze to the outhouse seat again. This man certainly frowned a lot. About once a week, until I was 18 he asked the same question. Each and every time I said, I don’t know yet. After I finally chose a career, then he asked each time we spoke, when could I retire and move back home. He never seemed to notice the compatibility problem. I always said, I don’t know yet but you will be the first to know. Once when I was home on the holidays from college, he started up again. I said, do you mind, I am trying to watch the Stooges. I thought his head would blow up. We actually got along quite well, as long as I had a two state buffer. His advice about hunting was good. Move slowly and quietly to a spot, plant your butt and wait. Don’t move much and no smoking. He told me that contrary to what Jim, Davy, Dan’l, and the Cherokee Nation claimed, it is not possible to move through dry leaves in silence. He said the trick is to take a few steps, stop, look and listen. As long as you don’t move continuously, you won’t sound like a large predator. This actually made sense to me. I noticed that when I sat still it took about 20 minutes for the woods to settle and come back to life. Squirrels and birds relaxed and they make one hell of a racket in dry leaves. One morning promptly at 4AM, he kicked me out of bed. All hunters get up at 4AM, it is a rule, page 43 section 8. Again the same question each and every time we were going hunting. You still want to go hunting? Yes pop, I am up now and away we went. While you are sitting in the woods think about what you will do with the rest of your life. Yes Pop. Terry, don’t forget, take a few steps, stop, scan and listen. Got it pop. I walked through an area on base doing exactly what he told me. Took me about an hour to cover a hundred yards. I finally stopped beside a tree and stood for several minutes. Stand by a tree because it breaks up your outline. Deer think you are a fat tree. Everybody knows that. As I am about to take my next few steps a loud voice from the Heavens yells, “Seen anything yet.” A jarhead sitting above me in a tree stand laughing his ass off, scared me to death. I did the spider down the shirt dance and the Watusi. I was not embarrassed… much. I apologized for disturbing his area and got the hell out of there. When I was far enough away, I went back into stalking mode. Few steps, scan left, scan right, look up, and listen. To this day, 40 years later, I cannot walk through a park without looking up to see what lurks in the trees. I did not kill a deer until several years after that and when I did, I was sitting down smoking a cigarette…Hmmm. I developed the Tolda method of hunting. I have killed one or two deer each season for the last ten years. I could get more but it would be bad for my health. I smoke too much when I hunt. My prior doctor was also a deer hunter. One day we were talking hunting and he mentioned he had just found some unscented detergent to wash his hunting clothes with. I started laughing and he says, what? I told him I sat in a lawn chair behind a bush. I smoked while hunting and had killed deer each year. I informed him that my favorite hunting pants were washed twice a year, once before and once after hunting season. I reminded him that he hunts from a stand and a deer would have to be 20 feet off the ground to smell him. As for the smoke, if the deer is downwind he will know you are there, I don’t care what you smell like. I advised him to be careful if he hunted on the ground. Why are there bears? I said no, Jarheads in trees are everywhere. This year I hunted long and hard the first week of the season and only saw two deer all week. The first 30 minutes I was in the woods on the first day, I saw two white flags. Thinking they recognized a master of the hunt and were surrendering, I held fire. The flags were deer tails and they were running away. Deer are not trustworthy. I had not gone hunting again for about a month and decided to go yesterday. I was going to have to get serious as the season ends in a few weeks. As I glide into the forest, I am going to be the Black Mamba, invisible, silent and deadly. I am going to get a deer. I move into the woods. Crunch, crunch, crunch, Drat… dry leaves. I must be the Mamba, moving like a shadow between trees. A loud, but invisible shadow, crunch, crunch. Accessing my odds of finding a hearing impaired deer, I decided to hunt the powerline. I will be the Eagle, perched, seeking the slightest movement. Nothing will escape the Eagle’s eye. Then on silent wings, the Eagle strikes. I have a cleverly constructed blind and can see for several hundred yards. Anything that moves is mine. Plus I can sit in my lawn chair and smoke. Now that’s hunting. I concentrate on the open areas. I memorize every bush and dark clump of brush. I check the range of various landmarks with a rangefinder. When a deer moves into my area, I will instantly focus and it’s all over. Twenty minutes later I am looking at the clouds for funny faces. That one looks like Curly. I scan my area and see a funny looking bush. Naw, that’s not a deer. Man look at that hawk, I bet he knows where the deer are hiding. Hello hawk, I am your brother, The Eagle. Are you sure that is a bush? Yes it is a bush. I look at the trees along the powerline for likely spots to build a tree stand and to make sure no Jarheads are perched in them. These must be defective trees because I have looked at them for ten years now and still not built a stand. Maybe I should look at that bush through the scope just to make sure it is a bush, but I’ll light a smoke first. As I raise the rifle the bush runs into the woods, quickly followed by a second bush….Oh my. I am going hunting again tomorrow. I will be the shadow, silent as the tomb. I will think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Maybe professional hunter? Any Jarheads that need advice on woodcraft or blind building look me up. It must get awful tiring climbing all those trees. I have attached a picture of my patent pending blind design. You can order the design for only $99.95. No trees required. It does not come with the chair, weeds, telephone poles or powerline. Oh, and you need an ashtray. The Eagle
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 10:51:09 +0000
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