The baby is comfortably resting...mama is showered and calm...and i feel the need to not only thank all my mommy friends, but to be honest about this experience. You have all been by my side through Lillys treatment, her passing, and my families journey through grief. I have been honest. I have not minced words. I have told you when it sucks..i have told you of unbearable pain.. and i have told you about pushing thru each day.. finding peace in God...and in myself...finding comfort in my daughters memory. I told you while i was pregnant how i was filled with joy...and sorrow. Ive shared with you what a blessing having Shoshana has been...but now theres more to it. The word mother no longer means what it use to mean to me. The day shoshana was born..when i had a moment to myself...i looked up to the heavens and i got angry. Not with God...but with the universe..and i begged dont take her away from me too..you just cant!! I knew the fear would exist but what i didnt realize is how much anxiety id feel...how out of control id feel. I do not have the baby blues. I am not depressed....im scared. Not only scared something will happen ti her...but scared that i,once again, wont be able to make it all better. All i ever wanted to be was a mom..n when you lose a child...its like a major slap in your face. What kind of mom cant kiss away the booboos?! Thats how you feel...and now i ask myself...can i really ever be a good mom again...if i ever was? Can a broken hearted mother who couldnt save her baby... really be the best mom for her other children? I mean Ct n moses are on this journey none the less and its hard enough on them. You all see pics...and you make me feel very wonderful when you tell me u think im a good mommy.. but you only know what u see on here. You dont see me in tears...trying to calm my infant, you dont see me agitated with my five yr old because he is being loud and reckless....you dont see me look into my oldest sons eyes after he tells me he would like to live with his dad.. and with a shakey voice and a lump in my throat i reply if thats what will make you happiest, and know that im doing something i said i never would...letting my child go. You guys dont see all that...and each example..is just one more reason i question my title mom. I want to be a good..strong...confident, mom. Ive had five pregnancies...4 babies...and now it seems...i have no idea how to care for a baby. I was always the mom other moms went to!! Now im clueless. However...now...im a mom who can access a port, flush a line, administer immunity booster shots, i can hear a child puke a building away...i can tell when they look puney and need to have their counts checked. Im that mom...and where does it get me..nowhere. i am now braindead to diaper rash,acid reflex, gas, normal everyday baby issues. How did that happen. I check my babies rise and fall atleast once an hour...even in the night...i feel her belly for lumps...and i sniff her skin because her sweat...smells like lillys sweat...and it scares me..and it hypnotizes me. All i want is to hold my baby...rock her...soothe her,calm her, make it all better, because the last time i did it...it didnt make it all better. The last time i tried to calm one of my babies...i lost her. Now...the anxiety remains. What if i cant. Will i ever feel calm again? Weird how the initials on my back of my kids spells out CALM.. but shoshanas not there cause i dont get tattoos anymore. I lost a sense of peace, innocence, calmness....when i lost Lilly. I have found new peace...but now i must calm my heart. I have to start over....from scratch...and fund out who i am as a mom...and right now im a mom who never had a baby with gas pain or colic lol. I want to thank you all for the advice...and for not laughing at a mother of four who doesnt know what shes doing anymore. I pray...and i beg God to help me be the best mother i can be...and i know i have strong, smart mamas standing beside me to help me along the way.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:39:55 +0000
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