*The crush* I was lying on my bed, looking at the fan circling overhead for hours, with nothing and everything in my mind. I had never felt so vulnerable before, not even when my whole family died in a car accident. I didnt know what else to do and I had never been good at crying. I always heard women breaks strongest man and never took it for true, but there I was, my tears threatening to fall and my life feeling meaningless. How could that innocent soft-spoken girl with a shy smile, walking with her head always, down betray me? I never saw it coming and maybe that is why it hurt me so bad and shattered all my daydreams and future plans. Around me, there were many empty bottles and near my head was a phone, which never beeped with a call or message from the one I wanted to hear from the most. Cowards commit suicide. I had grown up hearing that phrase. But I realized at that moment that only the strongest people could take their own lives. If cowards could do that, humans would have been extinct long ago. It had been weeks that I had gone out of my house and felt no more than a zombie. The world itself was hell. It hurt me to the core that I was betrayed, but it hurt me even more that she was happy without me. “If you love someone truly, you would want that person to be happy with or without you,” went the platitude. I could have sworn on my parents’ graves that I could have murdered that person who said it. ~~ I absent-mindedly sat on a rock and stared at nothing in particular. I goaded myself to be strong; that my life would not end here and that I could move on without her. That is when I heard the gods laughing. The world was so ironical; greedy men with no morals were filthy rich, talent less people were famous, atheists were the one who talked about god the most and the loyal were the ones who suffered the most. I was sure we either had drunk gods or stupid ones. The best part of it all of it was that there was nothing left to be snatched away from me. I was naked in love and weakness. I almost screamed when I turned and saw a girl sitting near me. I had been so engaged in my worthless thoughts I hadnt realized someone that someone was sitting next to me. Planning to commit suicide? she asked, smiling. That girl was not someone I would call beautiful but she had a certain appeal. Maybe it was her eyes which seemed like she had seen wars. I was just not sure. Definitely not planning to get advice from some stranger, I said, with a trace of coldness in my voice. You wouldnt get any even if you wanted to. A blind person cannot tell another blind person what is going on around them, she said calmly and turned to look at the mountains. She sat silently for a long time and I didnt break the ice either. She then lit a cigarette and made smoke-rings. I could have just stood up and walked away but I didnt and I had no idea why. I broke the eerie silence. I am not going to ask what saddened you, if you are thinking I will She gave a brief laugh, Neither am I going to ask your reasons There was another long silence. She never turned toward me. I sighed dramatically and said, What wrong happened to you? She tried to conceal a smile but the corner of her lip curved. My dad passed away. He drank like a fish! I always knew it would be tomorrow, if not today. I just dont know why it still hurt this bad. If she was hurt, neither her voice nor her face betrayed this, but her eyes continued to look sad. She continued, I can guess yours if you want me toI nodded challengingly. She grinned an evil grin, A girl broke your heart and then continued to mock me with a shrill voice, And you cannot forget her. You cannot get over her. Oh, how much you love her. She smiled. Her smile seemed better than the last one. I should have been offended but I found myself smiling. How did you know? She wrinkled her nose, Is that not the only reason why boys are heart-broken? Foolish dogs Foolish? I exaggerated my surprise, We do have feelings and… She snapped, Which only stir when a girl break your heart. I am grieving because my dad has gone somewhere he cannot come back. I raised both my eyebrows, Death is natural. Nothing can stop it. So why grieve? Your dad didnt have the choice. But she did and she chose to cheat me She looked at me, Hey, I know how death works. I am not really grieving because he died but because he chose to go early by sleeping and waking with whisky. So he did have a choice. Besides, he is or he was my father who raised me. What did she do for you? Kissed you and shared a blanket? That felt like a blow to my stomach and perhaps I needed that.I had nothing to say except, I love her and I felt embarrassed at how weak my voice sounded. She said in a serious voice, And you will fall in love again, sooner or later. And this girl who you are crying so much about will be a bitter-sweet memory one day, a face which you would not be able to remember no matter how hard you tried, a distant memory which you will laugh off when your face is all wrinkled. Life is full of possibilities and it is short, so make something of it I felt better for the first time in days. I smiled, You said you are not here to give me advice She laughed, You said you are not here for advice. So we are even I took her phone number, jokingly telling her I would call her if I wanted more advice. I was troubled by some thought I couldnt place. Anyhow, the world seemed to have got its charm back and the gods seemed all sensible. Thats what gods were for, werent they? We curse them when we are sad and thank them when we are happy! I reached home and jumped on my bed and suddenly the thought which was troubling me came back and I knew the answers! I messaged her, Hey stranger, why did you ask me if I was about to commit suicide when you saw me? Did I look that pathetic? She instantly messaged me back. It read, Only ghosts and heart-broken people come there. Dont worry, you looked as strong as Hulk. I laughed and then slept with a smile. The next morning I woke up and I could have sworn I saw her in my dream though I couldnt remember the dream. I found myself smiling over and over again and thinking about her for a long time. I messaged her, Hey, want to go out today? I didnt care if I looked desperate. I felt so happy again and found myself remembering those sad eyes and award-winning smile. I was not sure, but perhaps that is what moving on and getting better was all about. Perhaps it was a crush. I was impatient but was smiling as I waited for her reply. ~Tenzin Cheda Fanarchy 27.11.2014.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 12:30:00 +0000