The deep impact of going to my Grandmother Sheilas funeral as a child, seeing the crowds gathered and so many baskets of flowers that they had to be moved so the service could start, to make room for people to sit down, even then the aisle were filled not even a foot of standing room and then they had to project it onto the speakers as those who could not fit in the giant stake center gathered across the lawn, until even it over flowed around the block. While I knew my grandmother as the one who read me book after book whenever I was sad and the other grandkids left me out because I was some thing of a black sheep not just to Roosevelt the town I grew up in, but also to my family, she was my home the place when I was with her I felt I belonged. Once when I had an allergic reaction after riding horses she gave me a sinus massage, and so when I saw the richness of her life despite a lack of any real financial wealth, left me with one deep goal, I wanted to live in a way that my life touched and helped the lives around me, so many that some day when my funeral came I too would have a garden filled with flowers and people who talked about me with not just tears but also smiles and laughter. Now as I journey through this season of my life I look back and remember my grandmother also went through a season of divorce in her life, and she had children as well, yet she was strong, powerful. She had two marriages only, The second lasting until her death, even now I know the man who took me as his grandchild though I share nothing of his DNA still loves her, and while he has remarried and experienced a full life without her, and his current wife is also a sweet angel, he has room in his heart to keep that love. Our hearts are not finite we can love those who die and keep room for the living, we can as my grandmother did raise 10 children at once and still give to our communities and the world with love and kindness. I remember getting so mad that she made me a white cake for my birthday when the only cake I like is chocolate, (such a naive selfish child I was) Im not sure how many grandchildren there were at that point but I know it was thanksgiving and just for the kids (including me) there were three tables, yet I felt totally unloved because no one remembered my looking back at it now tiny detail. The cake was frosted and covered with pink blue and yellow dots, it is clear some one had spent some time decorating it, The candles arranged beautifully, but all I could do at four or five years of age was scream and cry and throw a tantrum, one I have yet to let go the shame and embarrassment of, because it was shortly after that thanksgiving it was discovered the reason for my Grandmothers continuing lethargy, she had Cancer. She was soon going to die. Later when ever we went to visit she was sleeping, or not feeling well, I felt as though my tantrum had made her sick, after her death I wanted to treat everyone with kindness always… I havent always done so, sleep deprivation, hunger or extreme circumstances have put in a space of not being the nicest at times, stress as well, at events in the background there were times I would catch myself snapping at some one, marital stress weighing on me, things I cant really talk about. Still though I felt myself failing to meet my goal, my goal of kindness. It has altered through life experiences and evolved, now I have a goal that comes a little before it, taking care of myself, before it was care for my husband and then myself, when my husband decided to leave me for another it again altered to care for myself and then immediate family, extended family, friends, and from there extending past those. At the moment though, focusing on my personal development as my destination has changed and course altered. Redefining my identity, learning more of who I am. No longer walking the same footsteps I followed before, realizing I knew little of my grandmother, I learned to massage, I became an avid reader and guided much by my reading, now though as the footsteps I had of my grandmothers were not many, I must set sail my own course, make my own foot prints in this world, and this is a journey I begin with excitement, enthused for each day as it comes, and while there are days I veer off course into the darkness of depression, I am blessed to live in a time where there are ways out of its pull, this morning I took some L-tryptophan as over the last few days I had felt myself slipping away from where I wanted to be, who I want to be. I have been trying to take breaks from the meds after some one here called me to do some more research and I did, however I would rather risk natural side effects of natural cures than either unnatural medicines or never running the race because I cannot get myself up without aid when I fall too far. So again I get help to steer my ship against the winds, away from the rocks and on towards the isle of dreams, where when I land there I will look for you, look for those who like me now are a bit lost, overwhelmed, and sway into currents of sadness, I will look for you and hope that like the me of who I want to be will no matter the temptations or obstacles that beset you will continue striving forward, fighting onward, till you fly with wings that lift not only you but those around you, to where they cannot reach alone. It is for those who have touched the light in life to bring it to those who have yet felt its warmth, to reach our arms out when they are strong to those who need help and when we are weak reach for those who are strong, together we can journey into the lightness of being, into a global change, into something beyond the dreams of one, experiencing a world with plenty, and every heart has a home. At this moment in time at my weakest I also find myself supported by overwhelming strength I find myself lifted and impacted by those with love in their hearts, to those of you out there who are the givers in my life I want to give you thanks, Amanda, Niamh, Sam, Carol, Sara, Savannah LC, Lisa, Lisa Fore, Curtis, Valerie, Phoenique, Patricia, Ashley, Rebecca, Michelle, Ricky, Jamilyn, Loretta, Bonnie, Vairin Wade, and so many more. Each person on my fb who likes a post or comments, and especially those who share them forward, know I love you, you inspire me, your caring hearts, your loving natures, your interest in those around you. You are my heroes, you are gifts in my life, you are light! and those who think I have something worth sharing on your page into your life, you give me the greatest honor of all and I thank you!
Posted on: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 20:50:40 +0000
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