The last 48 hours have been the most psychologically trying of my hospital stay--nothing earth shattering, more of a potential meltdown by-a-thousand-knit-picked cuts kind of effect. Couched in between decidely non-commital pathologists, severe post-surgery back pain; a weird new spine that feels like a swollen, inflexible titanium rod; feet that flop and legs that I dont visually recognize and which can mostly only fan; a glut of prodding but well-meaning student nurses who dont yet realize that even hospital patients rather bathe and relieve themselves in private; the very few apothetic staffers;coughing techs who refuse to wear masks in your room; and nurses who insist on wearing Pe-Pe LePew cheap arse perfume to work; I nearly erupted one morning after being left a significant amount of time outside my hospital room on a guerney in a hallway during a nurse staff meeting, after having been just wheeled from hours of two full-body nuclear scans, with barium chaser, to prove what I already knew: my lungs and spine were the only lesion sites in my body, and believed I could have been gone from here LAST week. The more time that passes moving away from the dire medical emergency that led me here and what it took for me not to be emotionally consumed by it, focus on my healing and my faith in God and in my doctors to provide divine and medically expert deliverance through this storm if I could only stay frosty, the closer I am to losing the easy insulation of a very moving testimony--even to non-believers--from within the protective cocoon of a relatively distant hospital. I will not bore you with the total series of calamities, mostly unprompted by me, which caused me to almost go off on some temporarily very insensitive people--- Wait! Riiight, go off on somebody-- but theres that nagging thing: while before, all of my life, the boys used to call me c---strong at virginia state- I was like a mighty little snapping turtle of righteous indignation biting down on a stick-- do not get in my face, or I will bite your nose off and intellectually try to convince you why it was your fault, while I gently help you put it back on-- if you cross me. Today, any toddler could literally knock to and keep me on the floor with a hug. As a for a former ranked AAU amateurvboxer (Southern Pacific Association, 1982), and club fighter--thats a big deal. Believe me. Am I still a man? Independent manhood was a staple of who I was. While I was still in high school, I left home and moved into an apartment with the Barrington brothers and became a fulltime working man too, before someone would tell ME what to do. 40 years ago, when I was 17 years old, I figured out through achieving exceptiomally high SAT scores, musical, artistic and intellectual prowess and the gift of a photographic memory (that has gone a little bit fuzzy overvthe years) that I was going to be able to do or be anything I wanted to be on this planet. Being the son of a preacher man, and feeling something rather persistent, but ambiguous tugging at my spirit, at 17, I asked God what do you want? Of course, not a word of direction came from God, so I proceeded to use my abilities to do any and everything I ever imagined, I mean ev-ver-ry- thing: the good, the bad and the ugly: cue the clint eastwood music :ah-I-ah-I-ahhh, wah-wah-waaah If anyone ever asks do you know of anyone who to some degree or the other was allowed to do everything he or she ever wanted to you may tell them you know at least one person: yours truly. Moreover, if at age 17, God had said go ahead and do your thing, I will not say no to anything significant you seek,but after 40 years in the wilderness, you will be literally, unexpectedly and quickly shut down, but you will rise up and walk again, only as I lead you, whaddaya say? What would I have said. Well, I am 57, its been 40 years in the wilderness, and lo, I was indeed shut down: paralyzed from the waist down, lung lesions, spinal lesions, soine cancer surgery and a titanium rebuilt spine--all completely new news to me between noon andmidnight on Friday October 4th. With no significant time to process between hearing if you have a chance tonever walk again and emergency spinal surgery, now. Heck, for anybody--one day youre this, then youre not? Crazy! Back to over the last 48 hours, I bucked a bit, perhaps even a bit much, but did not lose my temper or raise my voice to anyone in the aforementioned hospital episodes, and some would say if I had it would have been justified. But I didnt do so because through this shut down I am developing a new default position for my general mindset: Fearless, Cooperative, Thoughtful, and trusting God to order my steps through all things, even the unpleasanties, which does not easily allow for tantrums. Moreover, you cannot always see how things will look around the corner, but try to be secure in our notion of who God is, what his ultimate intentions for us are and are willing trust Him even when things look shakiest I personally cannot answer all of those questions about God -- oh I could point you to scriptures, but my covenant with God is to fearlessly trust and obey Him -- and He has my back from there--and to ONLY fear being separated from Him ---with a special dispensation for snakes and other creepy stuff. Drafting in the glow of my unusual, if not miraculous medical case, and testimony, its rather easy to be distinct-- shouting with a bullhorn from the top of an unusual platform like Facebook. But, the closer I get to the hospital exit, the more determined I must be to operate effectively, with compassion and power without the benefit of a dramatic testimonial introduction into my everyday life, but still walk by faith, without fear and with my steps ordered by the Lord for the direct benefit of my family, friends, associates and strangers. I finally have my answer from God and boy did he make book: How to walk in power when you appear lame Chapter One: Fear Not Glory to God! (1st Corinthians 13:11) When I was a child, i spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when i became a man, I put childish things away. Fear, my brothers and sisters, is a childish thing. It is a body killer, its a love killer and mind killer. (2nd Timothy 1:7)?For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. Stay fear frosty today! I had to do so yesterday while filing an SSI disability claim from the hospital and do so without loosing my healing edge (to get to back to my life, family, management contract at NOAA OMAO-- feds are back) and my self esteem--but protecting my family comes first. Am I still a man? I dag-on shole iz! Love, Jim
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 08:53:36 +0000
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