The last few days have been really hard on Matt. Hes been the sickest since he has been discharged then when he was in the hospital this last week and during treatment he got pretty sick. Hes been sleeping 90% of the time, in a lot of pain and feeling beyond crummy. We had a scare last night when he woke me up because he was having a hard time breathing....we got everything under control but was something that had me up the rest of the night monitoring him making sure he was ok. My heart is heavy and there are no words to describe having to watch someone be in so much pain. The experiences he is having while asleep is amazing and hard to take in at the same time. In just a weeks time things have changed significantly for Matt and his perspective and what he wants is completely different now then just 7 days ago. My heart hurts and I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibility and with what lies ahead in the near future. I feel so inadequate and wonder how I am to take such a task on. I hurt feeling so helpless to Matt. I want to help him and take every bit of it away and I cant. I want time to stop and stand still so I can live in the moments forever. I am so grateful for every single prayer that was offered in our behalf this last week. Would you please continue to keep us in your prayers? That is how we were able to be carried and strengthened this last week... And could use a few extra to help us get through the next couple of days. One of my favorite stories has been in my mind the Last several days. Many of you may recount the story or Mary and Martha in the Bible and the deep sorrow they had when Lazarus died. When Christ came to see Mary and Martha they were overcome with emotion and deep sadness. My favorite part about this story is that Christ knew that Lazarus was going to live again. He knew that all would be well. He could have easily said, dont worry, its going to be okay. He could have said so much but instead he wept with them. He wept with them. Even though he knew what was to come he felt what they were feeling and wept with them. THEN performed the miracle and brought Lazarus back to life. The Lord knows exactly how I am feeling, he knows exactly what Matt is going through and he knows exactly what these sweet innocent kids are having to endure. He knows what is to come because it is His plan and everything eventually will be okay because that plan is so perfect. I have felt that love and have felt him personally close to me this week. In every minute of doubt, or worry he was there to tell me what to do. I have felt Him constantly next to me comforting me, wrapping his arms around me. I know that he is feeling what I am feeling and is right beside me. I am finding myself saying please remove this cup from me. Nevertheless not my will but thine be done and to feel of the perfect and inexplainable love that I have never before felt in my life. I know that we have to go through this and I KNOW what we are facing. I find myself resisting but I hear and feel the sweet peace of everything will be okay Reality...facing reality is really hard right now. I know we will Adapt and we will continue to take things one day at a time. But with each day we have is bittersweet. Its one more day we have together which is what I want to savor and hold On to but its one day that we are closer to saying, see you soon I am so so so grateful that we get to be here with family and I am so glad knowing that we are moving back permanently very soon. Im so grateful for the knowledge that families are forever and to share some amazing experiences with Matt the last 24 hours and what he has been able to experience with family that has gone before him. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know that mortality is just a part of our eternal journey. I am savoring time... Tonight my sweet Kayden wanted to just be close to his dad and ended up falling asleep next to him. Its one of those pictures Ill cherish forever. Thank you for your prayers we wouldnt be where we are at without them.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 05:28:44 +0000
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