The pathology report was given to my by my sympathetic oncologist as I made final preparations to leave the my apt on Tuesday. He patted my shoulder and apologetically lowered the boom: Glioblastoma. Grade 4. Statistical prognosis around 14 months. I am dying of brain cancer. Report in a while for radiation, chemo pills, and more MRI scans to help prolong the process as much as possible. The brain, which has always been the most fascinating part of the body, is now the one part that threatens my life. The emotional reaction to this news is very difficult. I am obviously sad and distressed by the news. Friends have barraged me with everything from hugs and prayers to angry insistence that I must become one of those who beats the odds. I hear stories all the time of people who did. Okay, so I believe we all have a date. We all have our time - you know, when the big bus of mortality runs you over. None of us is guaranteed to be here in fourteen months, let alone fourteen days. Fourteen months is never long enough. We always want more time. But there is a gift in knowing that the big bus will be coming, so we can be prepared for it. I will make better use of the coming year than I would have if I had just squandered it away and then tragically got caught off guard by the bus. So the control freak in me is busily occupied with thoughts of things I need to do right now. Things left unfinished in life. Things unwritten. Words unspoken. Plans unmade. I am grateful for this opportunity, although it is distracting and overwhelming to think about. I pray that I will have the physical and mental strength to do these things in between medical interventions. My other overriding thought is that there is the doctors time, based on his best estimate (although he did grant me some favorable allowance for my age, tumor location, and the presence of the chemo wafer still in my brain, possibly buying me a small amount of extra time), and then there is Gods time. Gods will. I pray that it will extend my life long enough to do all other things planned for my life. But as in all things, I believe the Lords will must be done. He will care not only for me in this life and the next, but he will also care for my friends. All may still be safely rested in his arms. But for now there is still a time of digesting and grieving some difficult news, and setting our sights on what is left of our future.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 14:51:13 +0000
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