The pills I take to help keep my depression calm dont work for crap, I have been trying to take them and get them in my system for a while and they dont do anything. I am upset, angry, sad... some of it has reason, some of it doesnt. I cant even deal with the thoughts in my head. Music use to be my escape, driving around but nothing has helped calm them. I just have the weird feelings from my stomach to my head because of everything going on in my mind and I feel like I could explode... Nothing helps. When I push people away thats when I need them to try harder to be there, not walking away. Hell Im at a loss anymore with how to deal with it. Some people see this as annoying and looking for attention putting it on Facebook or that its negative... Well it is negative but I put it on Facebook because I have no one I can release my anger or stress with.. everyone judges without actually understanding how serious this situation is. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER kill myself because I cant deal with my problems, but having dealt with this so long and having it get better and then extremely bad like right now, I understand people who have committed suicide because of it... people dont understand unless they have dealt with it themselves. A lot of peoples solution is to get over it or look at all the good you have in your life ... it has nothing to do with how amazing a family you have, how much money you make, anything like that, its a problem some people develop and some people are born with through genetics. When people dont truly understand you and want to tell you how annoying and a downer it is or you are... you can start to see how people COULD bring themselves to wanting to end their life. Your head gets so... I dont have a word for it but you feel like you are going past insane into a completely new realm I have no word for, all the while people dont see just because you smile. It feels like running across a mile long stretch of quick sand, the better times are when you find a small footing to hold yourself up and the rest of the time its like the harder you fight the faster you sink... and some people never make it they give up because the fight is bigger than they are. Mine makes me sad, upset, mad, angry, pissed off... I take things and twist them into worse things... I can take a simple thing and make it into something bigger than mount everest.. not because I am just being ridiculous the way it looks and some think I am being, but because my mind is always finding a way to release anger and tension and thats the way it comes out and lately I havent been able to stop it... I am having the hardest time just letting things go and forgetting it, I just keep dragging it out and dragging it out and I cant stop it, its like my mind isnt really mine. I will get better pills when I get the insurance for it, but its more than just a capsule thats going to help, there is no miracle cure but there has to be SOMETHING... I dont need people walking away because they dont get something, or they dont know what to do... shit I dont either or Id have a better handle on this... but I dont need them to walk away from me and leave me when I need them the most. Its crippling and I am not stretching the truth when I say if I dont get something figured out and get healthy mentally... Ill never make it to 40-50 years old. I want to lose weight, I have no energy or will anymore... when I get down I eat to make me happy, when I argue or get mad, I eat for comfort... food is my relief, its killing me but at the same time it feels good. My body hurts more now than it ever has and I dont know what to do. It tests my faith daily, I have lost faith in a lot of things... When you dont know what to do about anything anymore... whats left? I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN... Facebook has this ability to make peoples lives look perfect, people posting about their new houses, new cars, new careers, big great things for their families and I am not jealous for it... but sometimes Facebook has that ability to make me feel even worse, and I know its not just me. I will be 27 years old in 5 months and I am more lost now than I have ever been. I am out of options. I smile, I laugh I joke and on the outside I MAY look like Im doing good and every things great, I will tell you every things great, but in my head I am at war with myself... everyday just moving out of bed is the biggest struggle even when I am fully rested... I post this too Facebook because I have no where else to spill it. There has to be something to give me my life back, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a little girl I hope will be my ( step ) daughter one day... but I am useless and a burden on them if I cant get the life breathed back into me... I make it through each day dragging barely getting by... I want to enjoy life, have energy again and be able to tame my mind. There HAS to be a way... Praying isnt changing anything... a pill isnt a magic cure... I need help. I never got like this until my Papa and my Dad died in 94 and 96, I have been dealing with this life diminishing problem since then... had I seemed help and not been so angry and mad at anyone that tried to help me, I may have been normal again... but by the time I sought help it was too late, not its like a virus that I dont know how to cure.
Posted on: Sun, 25 May 2014 05:07:04 +0000
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