The truth is I am grieving. I lost my beloved father 98 days ago, and today is his 95th Birthday. I have had to deal with my entire life changing, becoming the bread winner of the family, left to cope on my own. And having to remain calm and strong throughout the storm that has changed our lives forever. The truth is I suffer from loneliness a lot. Days where it is a struggle to get up and go to work. Days that just seem to merge with the nights. Where it is a struggle to find a reason to go on living. The truth is, that in the moment of greatest heartbreak for my mother and I, many people came through. My father was mourned by people who really loved and cared for him in a beautiful interfaith ceremony. His wife, so beautiful and looking like his girl-bride. His daughter, me. His mother-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews and the most unlikely people. And his little boys. He was sent off like a King in his very own garden of flowers. The truth is Im also exhausted. Im exhausted having to deal with grief. With the trauma of performing my fathers last rights, and holding his bones and ashes in my hand. It was a great honour, but it has also been heart wrenching. Some nights I cannot sleep. I am filled with regrets. Other nights I cry. Thinking of the last kiss, the last I love you, that last phone call, that last wave. And yet there are other nights when I know he comes to me. And I try to go on, determined to bring him joy by living. There were many wonderful family and friends who came through when daddy died, who came to the hospital, who helped at the funeral, and in the days that followed made sure we were ok. And I am so thankful for them. But then there is the other side. And the truth is, Im tired of pretending. I cannot pretend that Im not hurt when people I believed to be close friends or family werent there. Have not come to see us at all, have not called. And no, single sentence texts do not count. Yes that hurt. Yes it still hurts. I lost my father. my mother her husband. Make the effort. Moral support is all anybody needs. And since you choose to stay away, dont wonder why Im not talking to you as normal, as if nothing happened. So we come to the present. A long and winding road ahead. Mountains to climb. More storms to endure. But in the midst of it also blessed peace. More days of light. Rainbows to see. Love to be given and received. My father was a wonderful man. Brave, loving, generous, kind, stubborn, short tempered, stubborn, posssessive. An incredible soul who enveloped my mother and I with love, love, love. The Good Lord bless you all. My Father is with him now.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 10:50:35 +0000
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