There has come a point in my physical life that is colliding with my family and spiritual life. Since the battle of the two infections in my body, my body has been put through the ringer. It feels as if there are two teams playing tug of war in my stomach and back to see which one will win all alone while I suffer the medical consequences. Last night after many trips to the bathroom and dry heaving or sitting thinking that everything I have ever ate in my entire life has just come out of me, it leaves my weak. It got to the poiint last night that I was passing large amounts of blood and dry heaving at the same time. I cant help it. If I could, trust me, I would change it because it is not pleasant. My mom in her mom voice so clearly vocalized to me that God did not exist. If he existed and was real then he would not do this to me after every thing else on top of the infections. I have complications to both infections that are apparent to the human eye so they can be seen. Trust me, they are not pleasant but for once, someone can see oart of what I go through. Mom had every intention of going to church today but she changed her mind. I admit I have thought to myself why would I go through so much all at once and not have it scattered out throughout this journey. I guess I have just gotten used to the chaos and bad news. I try very hard to remain positive in my thinking and in my actions since I hacce enough negative going on already that I cant control. I don;t know how to explain to her or to anyone else why God would put my body in barbaric situations. Perhaps the answer will be revealed later in my journey if ever revealed at all. One thing I know for certain is that one day I will be healed. The only thing I dont know for certain is if it will be this side of Heaven or the other. I have the faith to believe that God exisrts. For me, I just try my hardest not to complain and not to vocalize what is going on inside my body in a negative way. I try to comfort the ones around me that love and care for me that I am ok even some times when I know inside I am not ok. I have to hold on to the hope that one day, that one day, this will ve over. If I go through this to spare one person from having to go through it then I will hold my head as high as I can with as much dignity as I can and endure.I have two years now under my belt of life when I was told I was ready to check out so I must be here for something and God must be sparing me for a reason. My heart goes out to all of those that care for people like me that are sick. My heart goes out to parents who want to help but are helpless and dont know what to do. My heart goes out to the children of the people like me that are sick and get the raw end of the stick when it comes to having a parent that is 100% capable. Util my time comes, I will keep enduring and keep trying to remain as positive as I can and keep holding on to the bleiief that the hope is there for better days right around the corner. I still hold on to the hope that even though I have not seen him with my own eyes, God does exist. I honestly believe that I have felt his presence time and time again when I am in these hard times but also when I have been in good times. I cant change someones perception of faith but I can stand tall and let mine not waiver.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 04:15:15 +0000
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