Theres a lot of confusion for most of us about the difference between a narcissistic person and a person who actually has the disorder. There is a difference, and its very significant. A person with the actual disorder may be unable to grow, heal, or change, even for their own benefit, because they are literally unable and incapable of it. The person with NPD has a lack of the brain function that allow us to empathize, (different from sympathize), comprehend the bigger picture (about others or themselves), feel remorse, or have the desire for cooperation and true camaraderie with other people. The person with Narcissism sees others as either above them or below them, someone to control or to follow; someone as superior or inferior to them; they dont do genuine connection or camaraderie. You arent worthy of them unless they approve of you (in their mind), and that will probably change tomorrow unless they idolize you. But a person who is immature or narcissistic, or who has a disorder or illness that does not exclude empathy, remorse, or humility CAN grow, heal, and learn. For example, take the differences between Jeffrey and Julie: Julie has often described as attractive, pretty, and even beautiful by other people in her community. She has heard it so often for so long that she has incorporated it into her self-image. So when a person is obviously flirting with her because they find her attractive, she feels a boost of confidence and feels normal, this is who she is, and she relaxes. When no one pays extra attention to her, she feels a bit anxious and strange, and wonders why. However when there is another woman in the room who is also getting that same kind of extra attention from certain people (those who do that), Julie doesnt feel envious, competitive, or outshined. She just recognizes it for what it is, and is happy for the other pretty woman, believing it probably makes her feel good too. Jeffrey her cousin on the other hand has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Hes tall and dark, like Julie, and is often called handsome or very handsome, even gorgeous by female admirers young and old. Like Julie, hes used to this and has come to expect it, feeling a little strange and anxious when its not forthcoming. But unlike Julie, Jeffrey feels things such as anger, shame, and resentment when no one is giving him the handsome guy treatment. He resents and devalues women, especially attractive women, who dont seem caught up by his dashing looks or charismatic personality, often treating them with visible disdain. When there is another man nearby whom others seem to find attractive, he seethes with envy, jealousy, and even at times hatred. Jeffrey has done nasty things to men he has envied and women who havent given him his due admiration. Hes spread nasty rumors about them, lied about them at work, instigated suspicion about infidelity between couples, about betrayal between friends. Hes even lied to get a person fired from their job, and has sabotaged others from getting hired at his company because they were too good looking for his comfort. Julie likes being one of the pretty women in the room, even the prettiest sometimes, and has made it a part of her self-image, which could be considered Narcissistic. She would rather buy herself new clothes, get her hair done and get a manicure than buy her daughter a new laptop for school, but she does it anyway because she knows its the right thing to do and she does care about her. She does go out of her way to look adorable, which is frankly embarrassing to her teen daughter, but she does not compete for attention from others with her daughter. Her dark hair and eyes, and her shape are among her priorities in daily life, but she has no problem getting dirty doing real things with her kids and working. She doesnt hate or resent other women, nor does she hate or resent men who dont fall all over her. She does not compete with other women for male attention, or try to beat out other women for a hot guy, she just likes it when that kind of attention comes her way and she tends to seek it out at times. Julie could be said to be Narcissistic, but she doesnt have the disorder NPD. Jeffrey, however, wouldnt go out front in a rainstorm to rescue a puppy from a puddle because it might ruin his hair, and he doesnt LIKE to get wet. And the puppy might smell. And he might get mud on his shoes. BUT... he MIGHT do it if the puppys owner was someone he wanted to impress, and they were watching... and if he thought hed look hot all wet... But if there was no benefit for himself that he could see, and no one was watching, hed just leave the puppy in the flooding puddle and shut the curtain. Narcissistic and immature people are just humans who could use some growing up, and if life does what it usually does, theyll get the opportunity sooner or later. But those who have NPD arent going to grow or grow up, or learn much of anything no matter what life brings them, no matter what horror show they have to endure, OR what wondrous, glorious gifts and experiences they receive in life. Theyre stuck, trapped in time, in childhood, in their own ego. They cant learn to empathize, connect with, or respect others anymore than a pet iguana could, theyre not grateful, they have little or no humility, care, or remorse, and they dont want to; theyre already perfect. Everyone around them is EITHER one of the people they want to impress, OR one of the people they dont respect (and therefore either use, abuse, or ignore.) If a person honestly believes theyre innately superior to others, there would be no reason to learn from anyone else about anything. If they already know all there is to know, or if they think that what they know is all thats important in the world, then there is no reason to learn anything, and no one would have anything to teach. If they are perfect in character, intellect, philosophy, spirit, logic, perception, or all of the above, then there is no reason to do any self-examination or improvement whatsoever. (There is no room for improvement, so what would be the point?!) If they actually do not value other human beings, especially those close to them, more than they value their image, their possessions, their comfort, their stuff, and their ego, then they would have no reason and no motive to do any kind of work on relationships, how they treat or view others, or anything else having to do with other people. If they see themselves as the most persecuted, or the savior, or the ultimate leader, or the most enlightened, or the kindest and most innocent, or the most intelligent and logical, then in their mind anyone who doesnt agree with them, follow them, pity them or admire them, anyone who is at all upset with them for any reason, who doesnt constantly act like they see them as pure of intention and deed, or who doesnt follow their advice or orders will be AUTOMATICALLY doing something morally wrong, bad, stupid, hostile, or unforgivable.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 02:51:32 +0000
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