Theres something I need to get out in the open. This may be long and a little dark. This past December, I attempted to kill myself. Yeah. Was a few days before Christmas. I was financially broken, my heart was destroyed, I felt hopeless, helpless, and generally like my life no longer had meaning. So I took about 40 aspirin and chased it with a bottle of NyQuil. For those wondering, yes. This was the flu I had Christmas week. My body was attempting to recover. Apparently, even though I felt my heart and head were already dead, my body said nope. Its the sickest Ive been in years, and I feel like Im still dealing with the repercussions (my stomach has been useless since then.) As a laid on my bed, waiting to fall asleep for what I thought would be forever, I got to thinking. About the mistakes I made in my life. About all the opportunities Ive squandered over the years. About how my marriage failed and has resulted in my daughter becoming a little screwed up as a result. About how the person I hold closest to me didnt feel the same way. Just one failure after another, running through my head all at once, as if my brain was trying to justify my decision. Then I got to thinking is this the way? Is this what Ive become? Am I doomed to die like Robin Williams, silently struggling while constantly putting on a happy face to please the people around me? I got to thinking about Andy. Even though I see her very little, and shes gotten to the point where she spends more time on her tablet when shes with me than we do anything together, I was thinking about what would happen to her. Her own mother grew up resenting her father for never being there. I didnt want Andy to grow up feeling the same way. So I puked my guts out. And it was painful. Not just from a physical aspect, but each red, pill-filled heave made me feel every emotion possible. I felt ashamed for what I was doing. I felt like I robbed myself of a way out. But mostly, I felt relief, cause I knew it was a mistake. Im a stronger person than that. I know I am. Im a survivor, like my parents, and their parents, and generations of Ramseys and McCaskeys before them. Its not in our nature: we fight. But, we all have our moments of weakness. I dealt with mine in the worst way possible, and I paid (and still am) the consequences of my actions. I guess Im just getting this out there because the same sort of feelings I had then are popping up now. I needed to reflect on my mistake and know that hey dude, things always find a way to get better. And you know what? They do. And they will. I hope this maybe puts your own lives in perspective. Maybe youre having a bad day, or week, or whatever. Maybe youve lost someone or became distant with someone. Im living proof that your will to live is stronger than the worlds desire to kill you. That as long as you can make a difference in one persons life, its worth living. Thanks for reading. I may not *feel* like myself, but Ill always be me. Like Rocket said aint nothing like me, cept me.
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 16:42:22 +0000