This is NOT an easy post for me, since its a MASSIVE life shift for me that is very unsettling. Its been a long time coming, and I knew it was coming, though I didnt really know the timing of it. I also didnt think it would hit me in the heart as much as it did. Our emotions are tricky things, and while we may think we know how well react to something, we dont really know until were going through it. My husband moved out. Suddenly, without warning. He stayed at his aunts house Monday night, and yesterday, came home to tell me that he was thinking about moving in there. Yesterday afternoon, he texted me confirming he was indeed moving in with his aunt. This is hard. Yes, Ive known this was coming, and its necessary. Absolutely necessary. Its a completely toxic relationship and its never going to get better. I couldnt leave for any number of complicated reasons that I wont get into, the least of which was that he had no real way to support himself. On a part-time, minimum wage job, he couldnt afford rent anywhere, and no one would let him move in with him because of his volatile temper and destructive behavior. His aunt is in her 70s, and her health recently took a turn for the worse. Shes dying, and needs someone to care for her. When she goes, he gets her car and the house. It was his motivation to leave. He no longer needed me, and it was time. Id been saying to people for months, Itll happen when its time. Whenever they asked why I didnt leave, that was the real reason. I could list a million reasons why I stayed, but ultimately, it was because leaving in any other way would have caused more problems than my life could handle. Evictions, police involvement, PPOs, all were a possibility, but that brings a level of chaos and uncertainty into your life that I just couldnt handle. My gift is in seeing the future. I see snapshots, moments, where I know how things ARE in that moment, but I dont always see HOW we get to those moments, especially for my own life. If I dive deep enough, gather enough snapshots, I can piece together the path, but theres always some that are fuzzier than others. Sometimes, the picture is blank altogether for a moment ESPECIALLY when Im looking at my own life path. I think, in a way, its because those are emotional overload moments, so painful that they short circuit and completely blank out the picture for that moment. This is one of those moments. I knew it was coming. I knew my freedom was on the way. I knew it the way that I know when people are getting married, when theyre having babies, and even, sometimes, when they are dying. I dreamt it. I felt it. I knew it deep in my soul. I knew there would be a time when I was free. Free from him, from his drama, from his shitty treatment of me and those around him. I knew this, deeply and intensely. I just didnt know HOW or WHEN. And now I know. This is the short circuit moment, the one that I couldnt see. It hurts like hell. But because I could see the ending, even though I couldnt see the path, because I could see the result, even though I couldnt see the journey, I KNOW that I will be okay. The aching. I ache today. My heart aches today. Seeing is HARD. This is my path, this is my passion. And as I dive deeper into that path and passion, I have to make room in my life for it. I cannot be in a rollercoaster of a marriage if I am to continue growing. And so the Universe has delivered exactly what it said it would. Freedom. Peace. A glorious and abundant future. Ive seen it. I saw this freedom. But that doesnt make it easy. Just worth it. I will be okay. Im not going to say Im okay right now. Im taking today off. Im going to take care of my self. My emotions are completely raw. Because no matter how badly he treated me, I loved him. He was my husband. But now, separate paths. Mine? Path of the Seer. His? I will no longer look, because it is not part of mine.
Posted on: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 17:57:32 +0000
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