This is a sample of my busted writers block. Im not in the deep right now, so no worries ✌️ This is just part of a real place that Ive been. I share it because I know Im not the only one - and to let you know it DOES get better! Love you!! 💗 I always thought the word amazing was a word that described something as truly great. Like the word love, Im quite sure that I have way overused that word. Not intentionally by any means, but simply expressively amongst those whom I do love very much and things and people that I do find incredibly amazing. In a great way. By taking the advice that we are given two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk, I have learned a lot from so many amazing people of whom I truly do love. During these times of learning others perspectives, I have come to understand a lot of things that I dont believe I would have ever seen had I not allowed myself the esteemed privilege of peering through the looking glasses of others far wiser than I. One thing I have learned is that the word amazing isnt always descriptive of something good, and the word love has much more complicated meanings than face value. It is really something. On any given day, in any circumstance, life moves along like nothing significant ever happens. Sleep or lack thereof follow evenings, which follow afternoons, which follow mornings. The earth rotates continuously. We are creatures of habit and routines rule us. Its not that we mean to be engulfed in our own worlds - we just are. Life just is. The same day I receive significantly traumatic news - the day my heart feels like it cannot possibly beat another day - life continues in an uninterrupted cycle for those around me. I see people smiling as they usually do. Normally, on days that are routine for me, these same people and their same smiles are refreshing to me. Though today they seem so cruel. Why are they allowed a smile and laughter and I am broken inside? Havent I been decent enough in my routine to at least be allowed the option to smile? Sure, the option to smile is always an option, per se, but oh how it feels so incredibly impossible on this day. Will I ever be able to find my smile again? That isnt even in sight right now - I dont even know that Ill be able to withstand the next beat of my heart, my next breath - both which are not optional to live through this day. I have been told many times that I smile a lot and that I help others find their smiles as well. I guess a smile is kind of automatic for me, as I often dont realize Im smiling until someone asks me why Im smiling, and at times I have no clue. Thats not a bad thing, just an observation. I am truly humbled that people consider me as someone that can help them get to a better part in their day, although I dont attribute that to be an ability, just am glad that God uses me and puts me where I need to be with who I need to be with at any given moment. In all this smile business, though, what happens when I cant find my own smile? Where does a doctor go for treatment or a butcher go for a cut of steak? Do I even want to smile? Cant I just simply be allowed a pathetic personal pity party for a period of time? Must things be fixed immediately or can I simply wallow for a bit? Will forcing myself not to smile for a bit make me appear like a poser when I do smile to others? What should it matter to others? Why am I so concerned about what probably doesnt phase others? Sounds depressing Im sure. Just real though. The well-meaning will be right there for me at any given time - I just need to utter the word. It is so nice to be able to have such a strong support system, though the phone is so heavy when I need it the most. And then theres the explaining of how bad things are and the things leading up to it. And just the mere thought of that process is quite exhausting within itself, while Im sitting here with seemingly zero ability to breathe as it is. The queen of positivity - quotes, emojis, the works - is at a sudden, shocking standstill in her life. She has taken a fall down a long spiral staircase and she cant seem to grasp hold for a stop in the madness between hits as she somersaults downward, hit after hit. Seemingly there are people everywhere around her who are taking the easy ascending escalator of life and wishing her well from afar as she ventures to her unknown gloomy destiny. What gives? Whats next? Dare I ask!? How is it that everyone else is having an average fine day and I have been chosen to have a disastrous day, yet again...
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 00:26:12 +0000
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