This is a story about weight loss. And gain. Its long, but its my story, and it needs to be shared. It contains numbers in case youre triggered by that sort of thing. Nearly four years ago, I stepped on the scale on the first day of summer after my junior year of high school and realized I was the heaviest I had ever been. 162 pounds. I had been struggling through the past two years of high school with depression and overeating, and it all came down to that number. I had to lose something, anything, I couldnt let this get any farther out of hand. At first, it was accidental loss. It was really hot that summer, so I started taking lots of walks and didnt have a terribly big appetite in the heat. By the start of senior year, I was around 156 pounds. Borderline not even overweight anymore. I felt proud. I dont remember when I started counting calories, but I decided all I needed in a day was 1200. Woof. To keep it in perspective, the modern me needs 2400 calories a day to maintain her weight. I got used to the weak feeling I would get towards the end of the day. It made me dizzy to climb the three stories to get to math class for 7th period. I would do the Sudoku puzzle in the paper to distract myself from hunger when dinner was cooking. I would dissect my portion of the stir-fry and calculate how much a 1/3 cup of broccoli was. I started avoiding social gatherings because if I got my hands on party food I would binge. New Years Eve 2011/2012 I hid in the bathroom of my friends house and shoved brownies in my face. When I got to 145, I thought, wait! I look good! Im going to stop. This lasted a month. 140. Not good enough. A month later, I was 130. Perfect! Medically speaking, *the* ideal weight for my height. This lasted a fair amount of time. But by the time I graduated high school, I was 126. I thought surely, Ill stop. But then I got really active. I had starved most of my muscle off, and was now 23% body fat and 124 pounds. So I got really fit. And stressed from my Freshman classes at community college. And I lost more weight. 120. You know, I dont think its good enough, I just dont think its good enough, was my daily mantra. I cant go up, no way. The weekends when I crept to 121 were sheer mental torture. So I vowed to lose 5 more pounds. If I tried a little harder, I could almost be underweight! I got to 116 one day and that was the last I tried to be that low. I eventually got back to 124. By the time I finished my first semester at ISU a year ago, I had gained 22 pounds and was feeling both uncomfortable and confused, because I sort of liked my new curves. Today I remain at that weight, and I am once again going through a desire to shed some pounds. It will be hard on a number of levels because I have developed a deep fear of going hungry even in the slightest. As I was once in a state of semi-starvation, hunger makes me feel scared and insecure, even panicky. As I once drove myself to numbers well below an ideal range, I fear my diet getting too out of hand and slipping to absurdly low numbers for my height and build. At the same time I fear being stuck at this weight forever. Please understand I am not doing this to hurt myself. I am at a higher ideal weight trying to be a lower ideal weight. If you have your own stories, tips, or encouragement, please share them with me. Im asking for support in an area I feel isolated and alone in when I know there are others out there. Thank you.
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 01:39:08 +0000
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