This is possibly one of the longest statuses that I have ever posted in my entire life. But read through man cause this sums and says it all. This is basically gonna be us :3 Its a little flashforward to 2-3 years down the road. You know where its from :p I just tweaked and personalized it. FLASHBACK. LEROY trots up the stairs to the apartment. LEROY: Sebastien? SEBASTIEN: What was that noise downstairs? (Leroy turns into the kitchen. Sebastien is standing at the table in his camel coloured dressing gown. Wearing safety glasses, he is holding an eyeball with a large pair of tweezers and is holding a lit blowtorch near to the optic nerve dangling behind it.) LEROY: Er, it was Mrs Melrose laughing. SEBASTIEN: Sounded like she was torturing an owl. LEROY: Yeah. Well, it was laughter. SEBASTIEN: Could have been both. LEROY (looking at what he’s doing): Busy? (Sebastien sighs heavily.) SEBASTIEN: Just occupying myself. (He lifts his head and looks dramatically towards the ceiling.) Sometimes, it’s so-o-o hard not smoking. (The eyeball slips out of the tweezers and drops with a splash into a mug on the table. Sebastien looks down at it.) SEBASTIEN: Oh. LEROY: Mm-hmm. Mind if I interrupt? SEBASTIEN (putting the tweezers down and gesturing to the chair at the end of the table): Er, be my guest. (He switches off the blowtorch and puts it down while LEROY walks over and pulls the chair back from the table. Sebastien picks up the mug and offers it to him.) SEBASTIEN: Tea? LEROY: Er ... (He shakes one hand to decline the offer. Sebastien puts the mug down and takes off his glasses.) LEROY (sitting down): So. The big question. SEBASTIEN (turning to face him): Mm-hm. LEROY (folding his hands and putting them onto the table in front of him): The best man. SEBASTIEN: The best man? LEROY: What do you think? SEBASTIEN (instantly): Billy Kincaid. LEROY: Sorry, what? SEBASTIEN (quick fire): Billy Kincaid, the Camden Garrotter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed. (LEROY frowns.) SEBASTIEN (quick fire): Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure and ran the best and safest children’s homes in north England. (LEROY tiredly rubs his fingers over his eyes.) SEBASTIEN (grimacing briefly): Yes, every now and again there’d be some garrottings, but stacking up the lives saved against the garrottings, on balance I’d say ... LEROY (interrupting): For my wedding! For me. I need a best man. SEBASTIEN: Oh, right. LEROY: Maybe not a garrotter. SEBASTIEN: Gavin? LEROY: Who? SEBASTIEN: Gavin Lestrade? He’s a man, and good at it. LEROY: It’s Greg. And he’s not my best friend. SEBASTIEN: Oh, Mike Stamford, I see. Well, he’s nice, um, though I’m not sure how well he’d cope with all ... LEROY (interrupting): No, Mike’s great, but he’s not my best friend. (Sebastien looks at him thoughtfully as if he can’t think of another friend to suggest.) LEROY: Look, Sebastien, this is the biggest and most important day of my life. SEBASTIEN (dubiously, pulling a face): Well ... LEROY: No, it is! It is, and I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world. SEBASTIEN: Yes. (LEROY nods. Clearly oblivious, Sebastien waits for him to tell him who these people are.) LEROY: Pearl Gonthier ... SEBASTIEN: Yes. LEROY (sighing tightly): ... and ... (He looks up at Sebastien, who is still waiting patiently for further information. Eventually Leroy pulls in a long breath.) LEROY: ... you. (Sebastien blinks rapidly several times but otherwise doesn’t move or react.) RECEPTION. SEBASTIEN: I confess at first I didn’t realise he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and ... surprised. FLASHBACK. Sebastien has frozen solid, staring blankly in Leroy’s direction but not actually looking at him. Leroy taps his foot patiently. RECEPTION. SEBASTIEN: I explained to him that I’d never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. FLASHBACK. Sebastien is still motionless. LEROY: Sebastien. (Sebastien doesn’t react.) RECEPTION. SEBASTIEN: I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was – for me – as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he’d placed in me ... (Leroy frowns as if unable to remember this conversation.) SEBASTIEN: ... and indicated that I was, in some ways, very close to being ... moved by it. FLASHBACK. Sebastien is still fixed in place, staring sightlessly ahead of him. The silence drags on for long seconds. LEROY: That’s getting a bit scary now. RECEPTION. SEBASTIEN: It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud. (LEROY laughs, and some of the guests join in.) FLASHBACK. Sebastien’s brain finally begins to reboot and he takes a breath. He swallows and narrows his eyes slightly as he refocuses and looks at LEROY. SEBASTIEN: So, in fact ... (He thinks for a moment.) SEBASTIEN: You-you mean ... LEROY: Yes. SEBASTIEN: I’m your ... (LEROY nods.) SEBASTIEN: ... best ... LEROY: ... man. SEBASTIEN (almost simultaneously): ... friend? LEROY: Yeah, ’course you are. ’Course you’re my best friend. (He smiles. Without looking down, Sebastien absently picks up the mug from the table and raises it towards his mouth. Leroy watches with interest while he takes a long slurping drink and then swallows.) LEROY: Well, how was that? (Sebastien licks his lips, thinks about it for a moment, then nods.) SEBASTIEN: Surprisingly okay. (Inside the mug, the eyeball pops up to the surface of the tea.) LEROY: So you’ll have to make a speech, of course. (Sebastien offlines again for a moment, then looks at Leroy.) RECEPTION. Sebastien reaches into his jacket pocket, clearing his throat, and takes out a handful of cue cards, looking at each one and putting it onto the table as he talks to himself. SEBASTIEN: Done that. ... Done that ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Hmm ... (He looks up at the guests again, then turns to Leroy.) SEBASTIEN: I’m afraid, Leroy, I can’t congratulate you. (Pearl looks surprised and Leroy looks up at him.) SEBASTIEN (looking at the guests): All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. (The guests begin to look uncomfortable and some of them start murmuring quietly to each other. Greg and Molly look at Sebastien in horror.) SEBASTIEN: Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species. (The guests stare at him. Sebastien pauses for a moment.) SEBASTIEN: But anyway ... (he looks down at his cards) ... let’s talk about Leroy. LEROY (quietly): Please. SEBASTIEN (looking up again): If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. (Greg laughs silently.) SEBASTIEN: Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast Leroy so selflessly provides. (LEROY sighs heavily, while Pearl frowns.) SEBASTIEN: It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. (Janine stares up at him and the other two bridesmaids look uncomfortable.) SEBASTIEN (moving on to his next card): ... and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation ... (The vicar smiles.) SEBASTIEN: ... or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot. (Pearl face-palms and Leroy is half-hiding behind his clasped hands. The vicar looks at Sebastien grimly, and more guests are muttering amongst themselves. Sebastien pauses for a moment.) SEBASTIEN: The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. (He looks at the vicar.) SEBASTIEN: I am dismissive of the virtuous ... (He turns to Janine.) SEBASTIEN: ... unaware of the beautiful ... (He turns towards Pearl and Leroy.) SEBASTIEN: ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. (The guests have fallen silent again and are listening intently. Molly and Greg exchange a long glance.) SEBASTIEN: Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. (Pearl smiles proudly at her husband. Several of the guests make appreciative “aww” sounds.) SEBASTIEN: Leroy, I am a ridiculous man ... (LEROY smiles and nods his agreement.) SEBASTIEN: ... redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. (He looks down for a moment, then smiles a little.) SEBASTIEN: Actually, now I can. (The guests murmur again, but now their tone is much more approving. Leroy and Pearl smile.) SEBASTIEN: Pearl, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. LEROY, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss ... (he leans closer to Leroy) ... so sorry again about that last one ... (he straightens up again) ... so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Pearl as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that. (Mrs Merlrose whimpers and holds a tissue to her nose. Molly wipes tears from her eyes with her serviette. Other guests – even some of the men – sniffle. Leroy turns to Pearl and whispers to her.) LEROY: If I try and hug him, stop me. PEARL: Certainly not. (She pats his arm. Sebastien moves on to his next card.) SEBASTIEN: Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about Leroy ... (He trails off as he looks up and sees so many of the guests crying.) SEBASTIEN (quick fire): What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? Leroy? (Molly smiles proudly at him.)
Posted on: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 17:26:42 +0000
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